The Accretion Disk

A previous posting explained corporate “decisioning” as an inevitable outcome of Einstein’s Theory of Relativity: the sheer mass of people at corporate headquarters slows things down.

Further reflection shows that unintended consequences of the process generate collateral damage. Staff members circle around the center (the executive suite) at ever increasing velocity. We have already explained that as speed increases, time slows down (viewed from the outside.) The circling staff is analogous to the accretion disk around a black hole; the executive suite represents the singularity.

However, since we are talking about headquarters of a large organization, there is, of course, no accretion disk. (It’s an excretion disk.) As individuals in the disk approach the singularity, they are ripped apart by the gargantuan gravity at the center. In a black hole, dangerous gamma rays are ejected perpendicular to the plane of the accretion disk. In a large organization, dangerous management edicts are ejected perpendicular to the business problem. In both cases, anyone (or anything) inadvertently hit by ray or edict will be instantly incinerated. Note, finally, that the direction of the edict ejection precludes any damage to circle staff in headquarters. Overhead is safely immune to the dangerous edicts.

Circles and Road Warriors

Regular readers know that I am an experienced, capable and competent traveler. (Alternatively, they at least know that I like to project the image of being experienced, capable, competent and confident.) Although my travel experience is cluttered with difficulties, foibles and frustrations are inevitably caused by the incompetence of someone else. This week was an exception.

Normally I use City Airport when going to London. This week, however, I needed fly via Frankfurt rather than Zürich. Ensuring scheduling challenges mandated use of London Heathrow. My arrival was on-time and, unbelievably, the very first suitcase to be delivered was mine! In fact, my bright blue suitcase was disgorged from the subterranean depths of Heathrow the instant I arrived at baggage claim. “This doesn’t seem right,” I thought.

Aware of the Heathrow express train that provides quick and frequent transport to Paddington Station, I had booked the Paddington Hilton.

The Picture is the "London Eye", a giant Ferris Wheel that goes around in circles - surely representative of my trip via Heathrow.

“Why not buy a round trip ticket?” the clerk asked. “You’ll save a few quid.”

“Good idea.” I said. “I’ll probably lose the ticket before I have to use it.” I thought. My thoughts were experience-based.

Meetings in London went well – except that I wasn’t able to move a Friday morning session to Thursday.

The flight home was fine. Getting to the airplane was problematic. The Heathrow Express departs from Paddington Station every 15 minutes. Arriving at the station, I couldn’t find my round-trip ticket. “Naturally,” I thought. I quickly bought a ticket at the machines, but while I was fumbling for my Amex card, a train departed. A nearby electronic sign made it clear that I had just missed the train:

Heathrow Express: Next departure 13 minutes Track 6 →

The train left exactly as scheduled, but it also stopped for 11 minutes while en route because of a “trespasser” on the tracks.

Arrival could be a challenge for someone who doesn’t know what he’s doing. There are five terminals at Heathrow. All Heathrow Express Trains arrive at Heathrow Central – Terminals 1,2 and 3. Alternate trains proceed from there to either Terminal 4 or Terminal 5. Aware that Swiss International Airlines uses Terminal 4, and informed by the PA system that the current train was going to Terminal 5, I got off. A helpful electronic sign summed up the situation:

Next train to Terminal 5, 13 minutes: Track 2 →

13 minutes later I boarded the train and a few minutes after that I arrived at Terminal 4.
“This terminal is ‘Swiss-less’,” I thought as I slowly realized that Swiss International Airlines does, indeed, use Terminal 4 – in New York. Reluctantly asking for assistance [“Road Warriors do not ask questions,” I thought.] at a nearby Information Center, I was directed to Terminal 1. I returned to the underground train system and was greeted a predictable sign:

NEXT TRAIN TO Terminals 1, 2 and 3 in 13 minutes: Track 1 →

Eventually I arrived in terminal 1. Timing was now tight. I dashed up to the Swiss counter wondering whether I still had time to catch my flight.

“You are not booked on this flight, sir.” The passenger service agent informed me. “Can you provide the confirmation number?”

“These people are nitwits,” I thought as I booted my laptop. The minutes ticked by as the underpowered laptop slowly came to Vista™ life. A sinking feeling struck as the ticket confirmation eMail appeared on the screen. I had booked my flights based on the assumption that I would be able to change the Friday meeting. As I was thinking, the clerk was talking.

“Your flight was yesterday,” the clerk exclaimed.

“Okay, so, I just missed it. Please book me on today’s flight.”

"Today’s flight" was full – as were the next three Swiss flights. I was directed to British Air and, eh: “British Air is in Terminal 5”. I trudged back to the underground train system.

NEXT TRAIN TO TERMINAL 5 IN 13 MINUTES: TRACK 2 →

I called Marieke and asked for help booking the BA flight. Everything was booked by the time I arrived. I checked in, got rid of my heavy luggage, noted that I was departing from the ‘B-gates’ at terminal 5 and ventured through passport control and the security check. I had a pleasant lunch at Gordon Ramsey’s Restaurant before taking the elevator down to the rail system for transport to the ‘B-gates’. Naturally, I ignored the signage: “Do not go to the B-gates until your flight is called.”

As you’ve guessed, my flight actually departed from gate A-21. You may not have guessed that there is no train from the “B-gates” to the “A-gates” in terminal 5. There is, however, a long, bleak and boring tunnel.

I am happy to be home.

Time and Relativity

Albert Einstein’s Theory of General Relativity posits that time does not flow with, well, clocklike consistency. Time, it turns out, is influenced by speed – as you go faster, time slows down. Time is also influenced by gravity. As you approach a massive object, say a black hole, time also slows down.

Thus arises an explanation of why things take so long within the confines of a large organization. The sheer mass of people who coalesce in headquarters creates a gravitational field that slows the passage of time. Moreover, as headquarters grows, it attracts drifting personnel who are anxious to ‘add value’. Viewed from the outside, this writhing globular cluster of “value-adders” passes decisions (well actually the opportunity to avoid decisions) back and forth with the alacrity of an anesthetized aardvark chasing a comatose sloth. In short, it looks like nothing is happening.

In contrast, from the inside, the decision making process (or more accurately the decision avoidance process) looks like a ping pong ball being caught in a tornado above a raging tsunami. The turbulent process dislodges all added value.

In the end, the ping pong ball lands on beach – battered and beaten. The outside observer kicks it and says: “But I just wanted a banana.”

The photo has nothing to do with the posting, but it is a pretty sunset.

The Circle Line Doesn't

I was standing on the platform at the Paddington Underground platform – waiting for the Circle Line Train to Barbican. A seasoned traveler, I ignored trains going only to Edgware Road. Moreover, focused on productivity, I was multitasking by being in the middle of a con-call.

After several ‘Edgware’ Road (but no Circle line) trains passed, I began to suspect a problem.

“Probably a defective signal,” I thought. Then there was an announcement on the station loudspeaker.

“Ladies and Gentlemen. There is currently a good service on all London Underground lines.”

“Amazing,” I thought. “The announcement wasn’t garbled.” (Usually the speakers in the caveronous platform area generate gobbledygook.)

As yet another train to Edgware Road arrived, the public address system rumbled into action.

“Customers wantxxx to travel eastbound xyward St. Pencrea must tick this gobble to Edgware dygook and change there.”

I jumped onto the train - just as the doors were closing. My briefcase got stuck and, although I was able to wrestle it free, the handle broke. And all because:

In the latest ‘improvement’ on the Underground, the Circle Line no longer circles London. You have to change at Edgware Road.

The Corporation in a Difficult Economy

To: Joe Gunshee
From: Michael Stellar, CEO
Subject: Congratulations

Joe,

Congratulations on completing 20 years of service with the company. As you know, our employees are our most important asset. Your dedication and service is deeply appreciated.
As you know, we usually provide a gift to recognize such an achievement. However, because of the current economic conditions we have suspended this process.

Thank You!

Mike

Text Message (Same Day)

Mike: In this problematic economic climate, it is important that our company remain focused in our preparation for the recovery. To that end, it is a necessity to rationalize the workforce. Accordingly, you have been placed on administrative leave pending your termination date. For questions, contact local HR.

Regards,
Global HR.

The Value Chain of Fruits

The Value Chain of Fruits

As a GLOBAL NOMAD, I am very happy for the near-universality of the English language. (The only places I’ve had trouble with the basic language are Yorkshire and Scotland.) Sometimes, however, you hear word-for-word translations of local idioms – a situation that frequently leads to confusion.

“If you close this deal,” Hans said. “It will be a real feather up your ass.”

It turns out that this Dutch expression roughly means: “It will be a feather in your cap.” The Dutch expression refers to a peacock – strutting and proud.

Or…

“How hard is that task?” I asked.

“Well, it’s not two fingers in your nose,” Piet replied.

I should have known that one: two fingers in your nose is easy.

And finally:

“It will create and meet new demands for traceability and control along the value chain of fruits.”

Frankly, I don’t understand this one. Ideas and suggestions are welcome.

P.S. The photo is of Nazy in Malaysia with a chain of valuable fruits.

The Banksters

You continue to subtly criticize the bankers….

Subtly Criticize? I think that they are moronic fools.”

Do you understand anything about finance?

I put three kids through university.

But..

An investment vastly less risky than a subprime mortgage.

Clearly, however, you don’t understand the importance of financial innovation as it leads to financial growth.

I’m not the only one:

“I wish someone would give me one shred of neutral evidence that financial innovation has led to economic growth – one shred of evidence.”
- Paul Volcker

I think we should tax the bankers – both personally and as corporations. The way it is now, they reap the reward for massive risks and we, the taxpaper, cover the losses.

Why do you care? You’re living in Europe, you don’t have to worry about US taxes.

Dream on - and don't get me started on the US tax code.

But if the government taxes the banks, they may move to a different country.

Well, we can dream can’t we. Or, as others have said:

“.. unfortunate, but given the costs of carrying that financial situation around, it may be a price worth paying.”

- Andrew Haldane, Bank of England responding to a threat by London-based bankers to migrate to NYC, Hong Kong and Zürich.

And finally: I was in NYC this week. The bull is the symbol of Wall Street, but the most common thing I saw was signing touting retail space for rent.