It's only a car

“See,” Nazy told Jessica as she maneuvered our new car into the tight garage, “we have Park Distance Control. It’s impossible to..”

She was interrupted by a crunch. (Park distance control has sensors at the front and rear, not on the sides.)

Distraught, Nazy called me.

“It’s only a car, Nazy.” I replied. “It can be fixed.”

I hadn’t always been so calm about cars. The very first time Melika got behind the wheel of VAN-GO, our prized Chameleon (purple in the sun, pink in rain) colored Windstar, she attempted to drive 200 meters up the driveway in Hanover. At the 190 meter mark, Melika mixed up the gas and brake pedals. She slammed VAN-GO into the stone wall next to the garage.

As the car bounced back, Darius dove out and ran for cover. Melika, foot firmly on the accelerator rammed the wall again – and again. I can’t say that I calm when Nazy called me in Boston with the news.

In fact, each of the kids had some car problems. Mitra, who grew up in The Netherlands never learned to drive as a teenager. She went to Princeton and then took a job in New York. After several years she moved to Los Angeles where she actually lived without a car for an entire year. When she finally surrendered, Darius offered to help her learn to drive. I remember asking him how it was going.

“Well, Dad,” Darius said. “Mitra doesn’t do some things that most people do when they’re driving.”

“Really?” I asked. “Like what?”

“Like looking out through the front windshield.”

Darius, on the other hand, thought that taking a car into the shop for service was ‘pointless’. He actually put 60,000 miles on the car without ever changing the oil. The point became clear when the engine seized.

Naturally, I’ve never had any car problems. Almost. There was an event on an icy road in Vermont with a Datsun 280Z, an 18 wheeler and a Land Rover.

Nazy wants readers to know that her parking foible did not take place recently.

The Hong Kong Trip

“Think positive, Dan. I’m sure you’ll be able to upgrade at the airport.” As always, Nazy was optimistic about my chances to move to business class.

And, also as usual, Swiss International Airlines was less accommodating.

“Business class,” the clerk announced, “is oversold. We’re looking for a business class passenger willing to fly tomorrow in exchange for 2500 Francs.”

“Hmm,” I thought. “An upgrade looks unlikely.”

In fact, the flight to Hong Kong was completely sold out. However, as a seasoned traveler, I am able to fall asleep instantly – even in a cramped and uncomfortable Airbus 340. Demonstrating this ability, after adjusting my noise-canceling earphones, I fell asleep before the airplane left the gate. I woke up later with a cramp in my neck, a crick in my back and general feeling of weariness.

“Well,” I thought. “I hope that we’re somewhere over India.”

In fact, we were at the de-icing station.

“This may be more difficult that I had hoped,” I thought – accurately.

We eventually took off and getting to (back to) sleep proved more tricky that I had hoped. The flight droned on (and on and on). In contrast, my inflight entertainment system, with 22 different movies, a zillion television programs, games and audio was broken. I could only watch the camera view – which showed 12 hours of clouds. As scheduled, we arrived, in the rain, 12 hours later. (I had a good view of our landing.)

I called Nazy to report a safe arrival.

“You have all the fun,” Nazy announced. “You get to go to Hong Kong.”

The Pony Express

Surely you don’t actually have a customer that is looking for a Pony Express message delivery.

Stop calling me Shirley.

Do you have a customer that is looking for a Pony Express-based message delivery service?

No – that was poetic license.

But it didn’t rhyme.
Do you have a dime?
I ask the questions here.
Want a beer, my dear?

Where did you get your poetic license?
I live in Switzerland, so it wasn’t easy – lots of forms and fees. I wanted to specialize in limericks, but the Swiss couldn’t grasp the concept.

What was your point in the Pony Express blog posting?

Customers often get so interested in the technical details that they miss the big picture. In short, people like to talk about things they understand. Change is difficult and challenging. Many customers, especially those in the financial services arena, are absolutely convinced that they are brilliant and error-free. The fact that they misplaced several hundred billion dollars, almost cratered the global economy and produce almost nothing of value does not alter this view.

The marble boat is an example of an out-of-date technical solution. (But it looks good.)

The Ambulance

May 2007

Someone born in 1986 with the identifier D. Martin takes an ambulance to a Santa Barbara hospital. He skips out without paying for the ride.

Dan Martin (your author), born 1946 is spending the week in London.

Nazy and Melika Martin are in San Francisco planning to drive to Santa Barbara for Melika’s summer associate work at ‘The Firm’.

Darius Martin, born in 1981, is ‘enjoying’ Iceland.

Mitra Martin is dancing in Los Angeles.

May 2009

The Bank of America sends me a note reducing the line of credit on my Visa card because of “a report of delinquency on a different account”. I immediately call to get more details and I’m directed to a collection agency. My interaction with them is mistake-filled:

“What bill are you talking about?” I asked.

“Just answer a few questions and I’m sure we can clear this up. What is your social security number and full name?”

Answering was, of course, a mistake. The credit agency appended this information to the history file – making it difficult to clear things up.

In the end – and it took a long time – the company admitted that they had made a mistake. The Bank of America apologized. My credit report was corrected. And..

February 2010

They’re back! A new collection agency has sent a nasty letter wanting to be paid for an ambulance ride by Daniel Martin (with my Social Security Number) in Santa Barbara during May of 2007. I explained the situation, noting that although I am much older than the purported patient, I’m not so old that I would have forgotten going to the hospital. The agency is understanding. “There is nothing you can do.”

“Can I speak with the Ambulance company?”

“You could, but they’ve sold this invoice to us and won’t have any information.”

“The police?”“I don’t see how they can help.”

The photo is a sunset - sort of like the sun is setting on my good credit history.

INKing the Deal

The customer asked for a ‘first class’ visit.

“First Class?” I thought. “That seems like a very dated expression. For example, I haven’t flown ‘First Class’ for many years.”

The customer wanted corporate gifts – pens and leather portfolios. Since a closure on a big deal was in the cards, we wanted to oblige. Naturally, following corporate procedure (and process) was mandatory. This meant that we couldn’t simply find a supplier and purchase the gifts. We had to acquire the items from the corporate gift center.

My assistant, an expert in the process, was annoyed to discover that:

“They are out of stock on the best stuff, Dan.”

“If we can’t get best, I’ll settle for better.”

“Unavailable.”

“How about ‘good’?”

“We might be able to get ‘not embarrassing’. Will that do?”

It would have – had we been able to deliver. The gift center process provides just in time (JIT) delivery. (Since many meetings are ultimately cancelled, the JIT approach means that ‘not embarrassing’ gifts are only dispatched when a meeting is firmly confirmed.) Astonishingly, our JIT Cross Pens arrived, well, Just In Time.

The customer discovered that the pens were JNI: Just No Ink. Refills, i.e. the part of the pen that contains the ink, were back ordered. In short – we gave gifts that didn’t work. It’s sort of like delivering servers without memory. (Oops! Been there. Done that.)

The customer was not amused. My assistant was not amused. And, today, 2 weeks after the workshop, the refills arrived – in an ink stained box. In the name of 'operational efficiency' we purchased generic refills.

“See,” I explained to the customer. “It would have been much worse if we had presented the total package. You’d have an ink-stained shirt.”

The photo is of Mt. Fuji in Japan. Ink is not permitted to leak in Japan.

Tsunami: The Tidal Ripple

CNN was in crisis mode. The devastating earthquake in Chile had spawned a Tsunami warning along the California (and Alaska) coast, across the Pacific Ocean. ‘Backstory’, was replaced by CNN America. The focus was on Hilo.

“The Tsunami, moving across the Pacific at 500 mph, is scheduled to hit Hilo at 11:04,” the newsreader reported.

The television showed a remarkably calm body of water with..

“There’s someone swimming.! Get him out of there.!” The newscaster, appalled, remarked.

As the camera panned across the bay, we could see helicopters hovering, Breathless reporters reported..

“Nothing is happening. Scientists note that predictions can be ‘off’ by as much as an hour. It will begin as the sea pulls away from the shoreline…”

Nothing happened for almost an hour. Then:

“We’re seeing some discoloration in the water.”

“Hmm,” I thought.

Eventually, the water level in the bay rose by 3 inches. It was a tidal ripple.

[Aside: Swimming my laps this morning, I discovered that Tsunami’s can occur in swimming pools. When a gargantuan ‘swimmer’ entered the pool, the water level rose by about 3 inches. And, later, I was able to detect some discoloration…]

While it is important to be safe rather than sorry, warnings about things that don’t happen (the Hawaiian Tsunami) while missing things that did happen (the Chilean Earthquake) does not engender popular confidence in scientists. Along those lines, how many of my dedicated readers got a swine flu shot?

The photo is from Hawaii – taken about 10 years ago.

How many miles?

The Hong Kong/Singapore trip is booked. The travel division eventually agreed to a series of non-stop flights.

Disclaimer: Nothing that I said had any impact on the division. However, Marieke, administrative assistant par excellence, told them that the non-stop flights had been authorized by an Executive Vice President one hemisphere, several time zones and multiple management levels removed.

Now that I was on the right flight, I moved into Upgrade mode. “After all,” I thought, “I have the miles and I’m worth it.”

“Do you have the miles?” Nazy asked.

“Of course,” I replied. “But we may need to delay our trip to Australia.”

Swiss International Airlines was less positive.

“Business Class is sold out on Saturday,” the clerk informed me.

“What about Sunday?”

“There are no business class seats to Hong Kong on Friday, Saturday or Sunday. I can put you on the waiting list.”

“Hmm,” I replied. “How many miles does it take to upgrade?”

“65,000”

“Round trip?”

“One way.”

“That’s absurd,” I thought. “It only takes 150,000 for a round trip, open jaw business class ticket to Asia.”

“You might try bringing cash to the airport.” The clerk had the final word.