The Amber Gift

Nazy’s return from America was marked by celebration and joy. Arriving like Santa Claus dragging giant bags, okay, suitcases, stuffed with acquisitions and presents, she freely dispensed joy and merriment. In spite of the gargantuan heft of her luggage, it was not possible for her to hand carry all of the gifts. Amazingly, the US Postal Service and Swiss Die Post effectively worked together to deliver a package before Nazy even arrived.

Darius was in Pakistan when this happened. Thus, I was able to secretly unpack two gargantuan flasks of Real New Hampshire Maple Syrup. I immediately hid one in the back of my closet. I filled an old (Canadian) container with a small portion of the Real stuff. I secreted the remainder far from Darius’ view. (Note: we have a very small refrigerator; the interior volume is less than the exterior size of the two Maple Syrup containers.)

The Maple Syrup that Nazy shipped from New England is Grade A Light Amber. The substitute available here is Grade D Heavy Crude. The photo makes it clear which is which.

The Decision

The “Darius Character” has returned to Santa Barbara – arriving just in time for wildfire season. Although recent blog postings have focused on his objective analytic business skill – the “real issue” involved making an employment decision.
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Aside: The “Darius Character” and the “Omnipotent Father Actor” did not come to agreement about the current business conditions. The father does not favor having his personal salary reduced. The father does not think that his job should be outsourced. The father is not surprised by disingenuous statements from executive management. The father does not believe that “the baby boomers” are the cause of the current economic downturn, the inexorable deterioration of the environment and the failure to end world hunger.
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In search of a graduate-level faculty and research position, Darius visited universities in China and Pakistan.

“What is wrong with California?” Nazy asked.

“Darius doesn’t speak Spanish,” I replied.

“Or Zürich?”

“He doesn’t like cheese.”

“Or Locust Grove, Mississippi?”

“We’ve been to Locust Grove, Nazy.” I replied.

“Withdraw the question.”

Darius has chosen Shandong University in China. He will learn Chinese. (He will have to learn Chinese.) We expect a few cultural adjustment challenges. (See photo.)

All seriousness aside, this is an excellent opportunity and challenge for Darius.

The Job Interview

“Talking with you is a waste of time.” Enrico began, clearly not attempting to put me at ease.

“Excuse me? What do you mean…”

“It’s too late in your career to move to sales.”

“I’ve just sold two deals, Enrico.”

“This job involves relationship building, Dan. What do you know about relationships?”

“Well, eh, I’ve been married for 30 years.”

“The customer wants a single point of contact. Do you know anything about our products? After all, you have been in Services your entire career.”

“Of course I know about our products. Our PCs are commodities – just like everyone else’s. Our servers use Intel™ processors – just like everyone else. Our storage….”

“You can see why the product division doesn’t think highly of you, Dan.”

“Enrico,” I interjected. “we are successful because.” “Hmm, This is going to be a stretch,” I thought. “Because our skilled consultants are able to help our valued customers achieve their critical business objectives through innovative use of our world-class products, superior and comprehensive support delivered consistently, globally and appropriately.”

“You may have a future in Sales.”

Enrico described the measurement system used to compute variable compensation for the Global Sales Managers. I was…

“…baffled, Enrico. This is so complicated. I understand the hurdles, but the variably sloping ramps, the gates, the caps…”

“Don’t forget the caveats, conditions, disclaimers…”

“It seems far too complex. Besides, as far as I know, there is no way to measure the world-wide revenue for a global customer.”

“Correct!” Enrico beamed. “That’s why I’ve created this Excel Spreadsheet.”

A detailed description ensued…

“As you can easily see from the summary in row 3248, column QY…”

“This beautiful spreadsheet…”

“.. it is lovely, isn’t it?” Enrico was beaming.

“It is spectacular! But the focus is on revenue. As I understood the quantum mechanical aspects of the variable compensation metrics, we need to have information about profit.”

“Of course. It is not useful to sell things that aren’t profitable.”

“How do we figure out the profit by product line? Just counting the revenue is difficult enough.”

“We use proxy profit.”

“Proxy profit?”

“Yes, for each sale your make, we compute the proxy profit by using the average margin for the product line.”

“Isn’t the proxy profit totally unrelated to what I would do?”

“What do you mean?”

“If I am able to get the customer to pay a high price for our product, I don’t benefit because we use the average profit.”

“So..”

“And if I give the customer an enormous discount, I’m not penalized since we use the average profit.”

“Yes, that’s right.”

“So, to maximize my income, I should ignore profit entirely.”

“Dan,” Enrico enthused, “you have completely justified my hiring decision. You are a natural.”

Note: The picture has nothing to do with this entry, but it is Spring in Zurich.

The "Darius Character"

The blogger notes the commentary posted about the previous blog. The “Darius Character” has been providing material for decades. The following posting recounts an event from the mid-1990s. It took place in The Netherlands.

Darius was puzzled. Typically, he wasn’t speechless. “What’s this, Dad?”

“It’s your allowance, Darius”, I replied.

“But it’s in an envelope.”

“That’s right Darius, I’ve provided your first regular monthly pay slip. It details your gross pay as well as various deductions.”

“Deductions?”

“Just read the pay slip, Darius. Your mother and I are going out for a walk. We’ll talk to you when we get back.”

Darius looked puzzled. He began to rip open the envelope. I dashed downstairs and grabbed Nazy. “Let’s go, dear, we’ve got to get out of here for a few minutes to let him calm down. We don’t have much time, I only used five embedded envelopes, a roll of cellophane tape and a tube of superglue.” The door slammed shut just - and an ear-piercing screech wafted down from Darius’ room.

Nazy and I had decided that Darius needed an introduction to the world of low finance. In particular, we thought it would be nice if Darius could last an entire day with his allowance in his pocket. We felt that Darius suffered from a surplus of thoughtfulness and a dearth of common sense. The situation was difficult - the common sense we wanted to inject would probably mean that he wouldn’t be buying us flowers as often.

Our approach to financial training began with the monthly allowance. This month we had kept a journal of Darius’ overdrafts. Typically, he had spent previous months’ allowance the day he received it. Predictably, he borrowed money from me, Nazy, Mitra, Melika, his friends, his teachers, the neighbors, the tram driver, the principal and the Queen. We had deducted these additional expenditures from the allowance of this month. We weren’t completely accurate - that would have required presentation of an invoice. In this case, deductions exactly matched income.

After a moderately long walk, Nazy and I returned home. Darius was in a complete tizzy. He had nailed a formal petition to our bedroom door. He demanded a family meeting.

He was in luck. Nazy had just been elected President of the Petroleum Wives Club. She had a gavel and a grasp of Robert’s Rules of Order - which she used to call us to order.

“The chair recognizes Darius.”

“Daddy put a bunch of reductions in my allowance; I didn’t get any money. I move we throw Daddy out of the family - right after he pays a fine for annoying me.”

This was a bit too much for me. “They’re not reductions, Darius, they’re called deductions. And we used them because you must learn to manage your money.”

“Oh, yeah? My allowance is reduced isn’t it?”

“No Darius, your allowance is unchanged. The deductions are subtracted from your unchanged allowance.”

“The amount of money I get is reduced isn’t it? Besides, how can I learn to manage my money if your stupid reductions don’t let me have any?”

I grabbed Nazy’s gavel. I wanted to use it on Darius’ head.

“That’s out of order, Dan”, Nazy said, grabbing control of both the conversation and the gavel. “Besides, Darius”, she continued, “it wasn’t just Daddy who decided on the reductions. We decided together.”

“It’s deductions, Nazy”, I interjected.

“Deductions, reductions what’s the difference? The bottom line is...”

“Zero, Mom. That’s what the bottom line is. Zero!”

“That’s enough, Darius”, I shouted.

“It’s not enough Dad. That’s why we’re having this meeting.”

“Nazy! I need the gavel!”

The Economic Discussion

Thinking about my professional employment is rather disheartening. The global economic meltdown, combined with the fact that our executive management possesses a preponderance of genes scavenged from Ebenezer Scrooge, makes the work environment less than fully enjoyable. Naturally my son, the economist, was supportive:

“They are reducing the salaries by 10%, Darius.” I explained. “It is a permanent salary cut and they’re doing simply because they can…”

“Of course, Dad. All companies should optimize labor costs.”

“By optimize, you mean reduce?”

“From an economic perspective, it is a fundamentally flawed strategy to pay more than replacement value for anything. Right now there is a huge labor surplus. Therefore..”

“Darius..”

“In these conditions, Dad, companies can reduce employment expenses. Thus, to stay competitive, they must reduce...”

“I don’t want my salary to be reduced.”

“Things will eventually turn around, Dad. The economy will reverse itself. Labor will be in short supply and then you will be able to demand a higher wage.”

“Somehow, Darius, I doubt that my ‘demand’ will be answered.”

“The economic model is clear..”

“The model doesn’t know that I’ll retire before the economy itself sesrever.”

The Race

While Nazy is enjoying Easter in California, Darius and I are relentlessly following the detailed instructions (volumes 1-16) that she left behind:

“Mom says we should pre-heat the oven, Dad.” Darius said.

“Okay.”

“What’s an ‘oven’, Dad?”

“Check the definitions page in Appendix XIV,” I replied.

“And she says that we should prepare a mixed salad. What should we mix?”

“Well, I’ve found a cake mix. Do you think that will suffice?” I asked.

“Mom says we shouldn’t eat too much red meat.”

“No problem for me, Darius. I never eat red meat.”

“Do you want some crackers and peanut butter?” Darius asked.

“Is that on Mom’s list?”

“No, but I think we can figure out how to prepare…”

“Speaking of preparing, Dar,” I interrupted. “Prepare yourself to leave. I think we should eat out tonight.”

In fact, Darius is actually preparing for his forthcoming job interviews in Pakistan, Lebanon and China. Nevertheless, we found time for a few manly activities:

“Would you like to an expedition to the Go-Kart racetrack?” I asked.

“Wow!”

“I think it’s the kind of place that Mom wouldn’t enjoy quite as much as we will.”

Persian New Year

We recently celebrated Noruz – the Persian New Year. As you know, the holiday should be celebrated at the exact time of the vernal equinox. Calendar vagaries caused by solar system design flaws (The planet does not circle, eh, ellipse, the sun in an even number of days. Calendarwise, this means that the equinox occurs at almost random times on various days between March 19 and March 22 meant that this year’s Noruz occurred at 12:43:39 PM (Central European Time) on Friday March 20. Following tradition, Nazy began the festivities with an edict.

“We must set the haft seen, Dan.”

“The half sin, my dear?”

“As you well know, Dan, ‘’haft’ is the Persian world for ‘seven’..”

“Ah yes. It’s coming back to me. We celebrate the seven sins.”

“Dan..”

“The seven deadly sins. Hmm. I can remember sloth and gluttony..”

“Dan!”

“Why don’t we have a large and lazy dinner? That would be a good way to start the New Year.”

In fact, the seven ‘seens’ represent items beginning with the Persian letter ‘seen’. Our ‘hafseen’ table was traditional and beautiful