Vanishing Frequent Flyers

I have been in Zürich this week because I’m trying to reduce my travel. In company-speak, I’m must reduce travel expenses. Last week I accomplished that goal by combining trips to London and Frankfurt. It costs less to fly Zürich-London-Frankfurt, with a 3 day stay in London, than it does to do a day trip between Zürich and Frankfurt. [A single airline flies between Frankfurt and Zürich; multiple carries fly the Zürich/London and the London/Frankfurt routes.]

The New Year brought unwelcome news about my Frequent Flyer status. I took seven (7) transatlantic trips last year as well as a veritable myriad of intra-European flights. Nevertheless, somehow I did not qualify for Platinium Elite status on SkyTeam. Equally befuddling, I was unable to retain Senator status on OneWorld. The travel division performed this miracle by ruthlessly negotiating prices so low that ‘reward’ miles didn’t count as “qualifying” miles.

Even worse, I currently have insufficient miles on either alliance to convey both Nazy and myself to the South Pacific (business class). So, since we want to holiday far away this year, we will have to choose to:

· Fly on separate airplanes – hardly romantic;
· Fly peon-class for 24 hours and across 9 time-zones.
· Purchase (ga$p!) bucket-class tickets using miles to upgrade.

There are disadvantages to each option. Of course…

“Couldn’t you just forgo your vacation, Dan?” The reader asks.

“Excuse me?” I reply – bewildered and bemused.

“The shambolic state of the global economy suggests that prudence and caution will be well-rewarded.”

“Nazy and I would be well-rewarded by a vacation in Australia and New Zealand,” I reply.

“The banking industry may collapse before..”

“The planet Venus, pictured at above, might collide with Earth leading to mass extinction – before Nazy and I have been to the South Pacific. It's a good idea to leave now.”

Snow in Zurich/Flight to London

In spite of HP’s extremely stringent controls on the travel budget, I managed to visit London just before the holiday. It was snowing, so I was astonished to see “On-Time” displayed in the departure screen. I was dumbfounded when Swiss actually finished boarding On-Time. Amazement drained away as I waited (and waited and waited) at the gate – in silence. Eventually, the pilot made an announcement. He started in German:

“Wir sind gescrewed. Der dummkoft von Flughaven hat die de-icing machine gebroken. Nur ein von die drei machinen bin gewerked.”

He repeated or, more accurately, made a different, announcement in English.

“Because of the heavy snow, there is a backlog at the de-icing stand. We should be able to push back in about 90 minutes.”

There are almost three de-icing stations at the Zürich airport. (I say "almost" because one of the three is very remotely located - in the suburbs of Bucharest.) Two of the 'three' were broken. In the end, we spent 3 hours in a cramped commuter airplane, waiting to take-off for a 75 minute flight. And it happened because the airport authorities in Zürich, SWITZERLAND were surprised (!) by snow(!) in December!

The Travel Division

The Travel Division carefully selected the ¢heapest ticket - thereby rendering my Continental Airlines Platinum Elite status as useful as a goat in an aquarium. Departure occurred on the Sunday that marked the end of Daylight Savings Time. But I still had to forgo the extra hour of sleep because the Continental simply moved departure time one hour earlier.

The flight was smooth, if somewhat cramped. I immediately noticed the gargantuan gravitational field generated by the sheer mass of my seatmate. (He had collapsed into a sphere.) Fortunately, he was two seats away and there was an ostensibly empty seat between us. For safety reasons, I believe the airline placed him in the middle column of seats in the (suitably named) wide-body aircraft.

Flashing my Diamond status at the Hilton Times Square, I was met with…

“I am very sorry, sir,” the clerk said. “Your American Express card has been rejected.”

“It is a company card,” I replied. “It cannot be rejected,” I thought - inaccurately.

Settling into my room after paying with my personal card, I telephoned American Express.

“We have an eMail from your company asking us to cancel the card.”

“Really?” I replied. “Who sent the eMail?”

“There is no name on the message…”

“… you cancelled my card because of an unsigned eMail?”

“There is a telephone number.”

“A telephone number that sends me directly into voicemail,” I thought – accurately.

A “discussion” with European Human Resources followed. It appears that my American Express profile allows collection of Frequent Flyer points when used to pay for a hotel. This faux pas is in direct violation of the (new) corporate policy. The new approach touts “Operational Efficiency” i.e. doing everything the cheapest possible way. It seems like we get a price break if we don’t collect frequent flyer miles. Accordingly, for hotels, I will move from Diamond to sedimentary rock status and for airlines from Platinum Elite to Tinfoil Sub-Normal