A Deadly Bank

“… and, so, my dear.” I was in explanatory mode, “the banks are both haughty and incompetent. When it comes to customers, there is nothing that they can do properly.”

“I think you’re exaggerating, Dan.”

Note: As I compose this update, I admit to being flustered by Nazy’s comment. Exaggeration in my blog update? Perish the thought! That’s as likely as finding a factual error on the internet.

“The Bank of America,” I continued. “Is a prime example. I ordered new checks..”

“I know, Dan. They came. On time. While you were in London.”

“I see them,” I replied. “These are checks for The Estate of Daniel and Shahrnaz Martin.”

“The estate? But..”

“That’s right, Nazy. It is a grave mistake: the Bank of America has killed us.”

“Now you are exaggerating; they just think we’re dead.”

“But we are resilient, my dear. We can’t be killed by gross ineptitude.”

I called to correct the mistake. Astonished, I actually reached a human being.

Uncharacteristically, the Bank apologized for killing me.

“… and my wife,” I interrupted.

“Yes, of course. It was a terrible mistake.”

“She was surprised when I told her,” I continued.

“We will provide new checks for free.”

The Meltdown - reprise

I continue to look with amazement at wreckage of the global economy. A friend said that he had attended a private governmental briefing..

“… and it is much worse than you think.” Rob said.

“That’s impossible,” I thought.

“Governments have already spent $7.8 trillion ($7,800,000,000,000.00) and it’s not going to be enough. It’s just going to get worse.”

“So,” I replied. “We’re not close to the end.”

“He said that we were getting close to the end of the beginning. The banks acted just liked people. It’s like using a credit card to buy a Ferrari even though you have no money. Now the banks have to work themselves out of the hole.”

“I can recommend someone with expertise in this area,” I thought.

“The bankers actually believed that they were brilliant. Dick Fuld, former CEO of Lehman’s, gave a talk at Swiss Re a year ago. He said he was successful because everyone worked together and agreed on a course of action. He said ‘I pay Simon $100M/year and he agrees with me. I pay Marcus $75M/year and he agrees with me..”

“I’d agree with him for a lot less,” I interrupted. “Perhaps,” I thought, “I understand why I don’t always agree with Nicola.”

“The Swiss government tried to recover the bonus that UBS paid to their former CEO, but he wouldn’t return it.”

“Really?”

“Yes. He said he had earned it.”

“Didn’t UBS take a $70B writedown?” I replied. “Aren’t they being bailed out by the taxpayers?”

“Precisely.”

Debris and Wreckage

Debris and wreckage from the on-going chaos in the financial markets continues to accumulate. The Switzerland government has arranged a CHF 70,000,000,000.00 bailout, eh, rescue fund for UBS. This is equivalent to every person (man, women and child) in Switzerland making a contribution of CHF 9,300. Per capita, this dwarfs the American bailout. The collapse of swissair was traumatic for the local citizens, but a banking failure would be unbearable. Some people are blaming me.

“Everything was fine until you began working in Financial Services,” Peter said.

“I don’t think..”

“I bet you even flew on Swissair.”

“Well..”

“And you told your own son that he should work in Iceland,” Bert commented.

“The alternative was Pakistan,” I replied.

“Actually, Dan,” Nazy interrupted. “The alternative was California.”

“Same difference,” I thought.

“Didn’t you also destroy ContiCommodity and COMPAQ?” Larry asked.

“They didn’t need my help.” I replied.

“You used to work with ING – and now they need government support.” Jim noted.

“ING said that they didn’t need money,” I said. “Everybody needs money,” I thought.

“So what are you going to do,” Jim, Larry, Bert, Nazy and Peter asked.

In times like this, it is important to be positive. If you’re mired in muck, open a mud-wrestling emporium. (On the other hand, I felt like a guy trying to sell water conversation technology in the middle of a flood.) Then inspiration:

“I am going to improve the human situation on the planet,” I exclaimed. “I will ask HP to transfer me to the Defense Industry sector. In a few years, no weapon will work. Discourse and negotiation will replace conflict and warfare.”

“You’ll get the Nobel Peace Prize, Dan.”

“I love the support I get from my spouse,” I thought as I opened an official-looking envelope that had arrived in the mail. The government, asking me to stay away from cheese and chocolate, reminded me that my broken Coo-coo Clock was made in Germany.