Rules and Regulations

Nazy and I are very happy in Zürich. It did take a while (9 years) to (partially) understand the recycling rules, statutes, regulations, processes and procedures. But now, we bundle newspapers, sort glass (blue, brown, white) and know the difference between a PET container (Coca Cola) and a non-PET plastic container (Shampoo). We’re aware of the once a year chance to toss anything (anything!) away for no additional charge. We know that we can take old electronics back to any store that sells electronics. We know where to dispose of batteries, light bulbs, broken ceramics and dead pets.

Naturally, we’re not complete experts. (75 years of intense study is necessary before qualifying for the right to take the 5-day test, success in which will allow you to be entered in the queue for a personal interview.) We don’t wash or scrape labels off of metal cans before depositing them for recycling. And we did have a problem with the Christmas Tree – a 4 meter behemoth. We remembered to bring it downstairs in early January. But we forgot to chop it into small pieces and, eh, it’s still outside. Nazy wants to sneak out, late at night, and dismember the branches which she plans to scatter amongst the various ‘green garbage’ containers. We'd burn it in the fireplace, but that will cause pollution problems.

Our support for rules and regulations has rubbed off on Melika. The family lawyer, she is now working in a firm in Santa Barbara. Her passion for the law leads her to respect and follow local admonishments and practices.

(Almost: The photo shows Melika and the dog entering a museum; note the No Dogs sign.)

STEPing Out

“Do I understand this correctly, Nazy?” I asked. “You want to buy a ‘step’. Right?”

“Yes. For aerobics.”

“Are you aware of the steps that we already have?”

“What..”

“There are 44 steps from the street to the front door of our apartment. And, there are 12 steps in the spiral staircase to the loft.”

“I can’t exercise on..”

“And you want to purchase one more step? A step to nowhere?”

“Dan…”

“This will go with the giant Ball.”

“You, Dan, should carefully consider what you’re saying.”

“Yes, dear. Shall we drive to Athleticum to get the step?”

We were:

“Totally successful,” Nazy enthused.

“149 Francs for a plastic step?” I thought.

“This Reebok step can be adjusted for 3 different heights.”

“You could put different size books on the existing staircase to get the same ..”

It does adjust to different sizes, but the mechanism for doing so was less than clear. (See instructions above.) We tried pressing, shoving, unscrewing and adjusting the linkage mechanism. Then, my sister Marjorie called.

“Why don’t you just look on the web?” She asked – reasonably.

A famous search engine directed us to the correct site with clear instructions:

“If you can do Lego™ Blocks, you can adjust these steps.”

It was, as they say, 'easy' - in the sense that it's always easier when you know how to do it.

The Accretion Disk

A previous posting explained corporate “decisioning” as an inevitable outcome of Einstein’s Theory of Relativity: the sheer mass of people at corporate headquarters slows things down.

Further reflection shows that unintended consequences of the process generate collateral damage. Staff members circle around the center (the executive suite) at ever increasing velocity. We have already explained that as speed increases, time slows down (viewed from the outside.) The circling staff is analogous to the accretion disk around a black hole; the executive suite represents the singularity.

However, since we are talking about headquarters of a large organization, there is, of course, no accretion disk. (It’s an excretion disk.) As individuals in the disk approach the singularity, they are ripped apart by the gargantuan gravity at the center. In a black hole, dangerous gamma rays are ejected perpendicular to the plane of the accretion disk. In a large organization, dangerous management edicts are ejected perpendicular to the business problem. In both cases, anyone (or anything) inadvertently hit by ray or edict will be instantly incinerated. Note, finally, that the direction of the edict ejection precludes any damage to circle staff in headquarters. Overhead is safely immune to the dangerous edicts.

Circles and Road Warriors

Regular readers know that I am an experienced, capable and competent traveler. (Alternatively, they at least know that I like to project the image of being experienced, capable, competent and confident.) Although my travel experience is cluttered with difficulties, foibles and frustrations are inevitably caused by the incompetence of someone else. This week was an exception.

Normally I use City Airport when going to London. This week, however, I needed fly via Frankfurt rather than Zürich. Ensuring scheduling challenges mandated use of London Heathrow. My arrival was on-time and, unbelievably, the very first suitcase to be delivered was mine! In fact, my bright blue suitcase was disgorged from the subterranean depths of Heathrow the instant I arrived at baggage claim. “This doesn’t seem right,” I thought.

Aware of the Heathrow express train that provides quick and frequent transport to Paddington Station, I had booked the Paddington Hilton.

The Picture is the "London Eye", a giant Ferris Wheel that goes around in circles - surely representative of my trip via Heathrow.

“Why not buy a round trip ticket?” the clerk asked. “You’ll save a few quid.”

“Good idea.” I said. “I’ll probably lose the ticket before I have to use it.” I thought. My thoughts were experience-based.

Meetings in London went well – except that I wasn’t able to move a Friday morning session to Thursday.

The flight home was fine. Getting to the airplane was problematic. The Heathrow Express departs from Paddington Station every 15 minutes. Arriving at the station, I couldn’t find my round-trip ticket. “Naturally,” I thought. I quickly bought a ticket at the machines, but while I was fumbling for my Amex card, a train departed. A nearby electronic sign made it clear that I had just missed the train:

Heathrow Express: Next departure 13 minutes Track 6 →

The train left exactly as scheduled, but it also stopped for 11 minutes while en route because of a “trespasser” on the tracks.

Arrival could be a challenge for someone who doesn’t know what he’s doing. There are five terminals at Heathrow. All Heathrow Express Trains arrive at Heathrow Central – Terminals 1,2 and 3. Alternate trains proceed from there to either Terminal 4 or Terminal 5. Aware that Swiss International Airlines uses Terminal 4, and informed by the PA system that the current train was going to Terminal 5, I got off. A helpful electronic sign summed up the situation:

Next train to Terminal 5, 13 minutes: Track 2 →

13 minutes later I boarded the train and a few minutes after that I arrived at Terminal 4.
“This terminal is ‘Swiss-less’,” I thought as I slowly realized that Swiss International Airlines does, indeed, use Terminal 4 – in New York. Reluctantly asking for assistance [“Road Warriors do not ask questions,” I thought.] at a nearby Information Center, I was directed to Terminal 1. I returned to the underground train system and was greeted a predictable sign:

NEXT TRAIN TO Terminals 1, 2 and 3 in 13 minutes: Track 1 →

Eventually I arrived in terminal 1. Timing was now tight. I dashed up to the Swiss counter wondering whether I still had time to catch my flight.

“You are not booked on this flight, sir.” The passenger service agent informed me. “Can you provide the confirmation number?”

“These people are nitwits,” I thought as I booted my laptop. The minutes ticked by as the underpowered laptop slowly came to Vista™ life. A sinking feeling struck as the ticket confirmation eMail appeared on the screen. I had booked my flights based on the assumption that I would be able to change the Friday meeting. As I was thinking, the clerk was talking.

“Your flight was yesterday,” the clerk exclaimed.

“Okay, so, I just missed it. Please book me on today’s flight.”

"Today’s flight" was full – as were the next three Swiss flights. I was directed to British Air and, eh: “British Air is in Terminal 5”. I trudged back to the underground train system.

NEXT TRAIN TO TERMINAL 5 IN 13 MINUTES: TRACK 2 →

I called Marieke and asked for help booking the BA flight. Everything was booked by the time I arrived. I checked in, got rid of my heavy luggage, noted that I was departing from the ‘B-gates’ at terminal 5 and ventured through passport control and the security check. I had a pleasant lunch at Gordon Ramsey’s Restaurant before taking the elevator down to the rail system for transport to the ‘B-gates’. Naturally, I ignored the signage: “Do not go to the B-gates until your flight is called.”

As you’ve guessed, my flight actually departed from gate A-21. You may not have guessed that there is no train from the “B-gates” to the “A-gates” in terminal 5. There is, however, a long, bleak and boring tunnel.

I am happy to be home.

Time and Relativity

Albert Einstein’s Theory of General Relativity posits that time does not flow with, well, clocklike consistency. Time, it turns out, is influenced by speed – as you go faster, time slows down. Time is also influenced by gravity. As you approach a massive object, say a black hole, time also slows down.

Thus arises an explanation of why things take so long within the confines of a large organization. The sheer mass of people who coalesce in headquarters creates a gravitational field that slows the passage of time. Moreover, as headquarters grows, it attracts drifting personnel who are anxious to ‘add value’. Viewed from the outside, this writhing globular cluster of “value-adders” passes decisions (well actually the opportunity to avoid decisions) back and forth with the alacrity of an anesthetized aardvark chasing a comatose sloth. In short, it looks like nothing is happening.

In contrast, from the inside, the decision making process (or more accurately the decision avoidance process) looks like a ping pong ball being caught in a tornado above a raging tsunami. The turbulent process dislodges all added value.

In the end, the ping pong ball lands on beach – battered and beaten. The outside observer kicks it and says: “But I just wanted a banana.”

The photo has nothing to do with the posting, but it is a pretty sunset.

The Circle Line Doesn't

I was standing on the platform at the Paddington Underground platform – waiting for the Circle Line Train to Barbican. A seasoned traveler, I ignored trains going only to Edgware Road. Moreover, focused on productivity, I was multitasking by being in the middle of a con-call.

After several ‘Edgware’ Road (but no Circle line) trains passed, I began to suspect a problem.

“Probably a defective signal,” I thought. Then there was an announcement on the station loudspeaker.

“Ladies and Gentlemen. There is currently a good service on all London Underground lines.”

“Amazing,” I thought. “The announcement wasn’t garbled.” (Usually the speakers in the caveronous platform area generate gobbledygook.)

As yet another train to Edgware Road arrived, the public address system rumbled into action.

“Customers wantxxx to travel eastbound xyward St. Pencrea must tick this gobble to Edgware dygook and change there.”

I jumped onto the train - just as the doors were closing. My briefcase got stuck and, although I was able to wrestle it free, the handle broke. And all because:

In the latest ‘improvement’ on the Underground, the Circle Line no longer circles London. You have to change at Edgware Road.

The Corporation in a Difficult Economy

To: Joe Gunshee
From: Michael Stellar, CEO
Subject: Congratulations

Joe,

Congratulations on completing 20 years of service with the company. As you know, our employees are our most important asset. Your dedication and service is deeply appreciated.
As you know, we usually provide a gift to recognize such an achievement. However, because of the current economic conditions we have suspended this process.

Thank You!

Mike

Text Message (Same Day)

Mike: In this problematic economic climate, it is important that our company remain focused in our preparation for the recovery. To that end, it is a necessity to rationalize the workforce. Accordingly, you have been placed on administrative leave pending your termination date. For questions, contact local HR.

Regards,
Global HR.