A Deadly Bank

“… and, so, my dear.” I was in explanatory mode, “the banks are both haughty and incompetent. When it comes to customers, there is nothing that they can do properly.”

“I think you’re exaggerating, Dan.”

Note: As I compose this update, I admit to being flustered by Nazy’s comment. Exaggeration in my blog update? Perish the thought! That’s as likely as finding a factual error on the internet.

“The Bank of America,” I continued. “Is a prime example. I ordered new checks..”

“I know, Dan. They came. On time. While you were in London.”

“I see them,” I replied. “These are checks for The Estate of Daniel and Shahrnaz Martin.”

“The estate? But..”

“That’s right, Nazy. It is a grave mistake: the Bank of America has killed us.”

“Now you are exaggerating; they just think we’re dead.”

“But we are resilient, my dear. We can’t be killed by gross ineptitude.”

I called to correct the mistake. Astonished, I actually reached a human being.

Uncharacteristically, the Bank apologized for killing me.

“… and my wife,” I interrupted.

“Yes, of course. It was a terrible mistake.”

“She was surprised when I told her,” I continued.

“We will provide new checks for free.”

A harbinger of...

I have been traveling to London semi-regularly for many years. This makes it tricky to find theatre that I haven’t already seen. I was, however, able to find two shows that were completely new to me. (They have been playing in London for a long time; I just hadn’t seen them.) Because dealing with my customer reminds me of an anesthesialess root canal, I wanted something bright and cheery. I wanted a happy ending. I did not choose wisely.

The first show, “The Woman in Black”, was a thriller. The woman, a ghost living in (somewhat redundantly) a haunted castle, had a non-speaking role. She simply appeared at surprising times. In the second act, each appearance was marked with a scream. Hence the tagline for the show: “I came. I saw. I screamed!”

The show was well-done and very entertaining. However – people died in the end and, in my view, death makes a happy ending problematic. Undaunted, I decided to go to a musical the next day. “Musicals,” I thought, “are always happy and bubbly.” I was thinking of Mama Mia! I should have been thinking of Cabaret.

The Blood Brothers were dead when the show began. Everything else was a flashback.

“Bubbly and happy,” I thought as the overture played, “is unlikely.”

The Brothers are twins separated at birth. One is raised by a very rich family, the other is very poor. The same actors play the twins at ages 8, 13, 17 and 25. The show, which has been on West End for 20 years, was great. It just wasn’t happy.

“Enough with the shows,” I thought. “I’ll bury (an unfortunate choice of word) myself in English history.”

Editorial note: This thought shows my state of mind. I was looking for something cheerful in English History – a field that has brought us King Henry VIII (and his many wives), Mary Queen of Scots, Thomas More, Thomas Beckett and Oliver Cromwell. It didn’t occur to me that historical Britain wasn’t as comical as the antics of the current Royal Family.

I walked from Piccadilly Circus to Trafalgar Square and then strolled down Whitehall to Big Ben, the Houses of Parliament and Westminster Abbey. I last visited the Abbey when I was working with Shell (more than 15 years ago). The early history of the building is murky. Some say that it was founded in 604 by King Sebert, others say that Dunstan, Bishop of London. opened a monastery on the site in 960. It is known that the Abbey was consecrated on December 28, 1065. In short: it is old.

It is also the burial site of many. Entombed in Poets corner, for example, are Geoffrey Chaucer, Charles Dickens, Alfred, Lord Tennyson, Oscar Wilde, Robert Browning, Christoper Marlowe, Cannop Thirwall (history is not kind) and Thomas Triplet (to everyone). There are also tombs for Elizabeth I, Winston Churchill, Edward the Confessor, Isaac Newton and very many others. It had an aura of death about it.

Was someone trying to tell me something?... To be continued.

Swiss-Ness

In Switzerland, we are in the midst of yet another election campaign. The SVP party has unveiled its latest offensive poster [see above: note that even the minaretslook like missiles.]
The poster reflects the general mood of the country. Although there are very few minarets in Switzerland (research indicates 4), there is a concern that somehow new and different people will dilute and overwhelm Swiss culture established over the many centuries. Swiss-ness is at risk!

“It’s ridiculous, Nazy.” I explained. “Do they really think that a bunch of..”

“… Serbians…”

“Serbians? Are these Serbians going to fill up all the holes in Swiss cheese?”

“Dan..”

“Will Moslems will paint Arabic numbers on Swiss watch dials?”

“Aren’t Arabic numerals, eh, “normal numbers? 1, 2, 3, 4..”

“Precisely, my dear. New-fangled symbols are replacing the traditional Swiss Roman Numerals like I, V and X.”

“Why are Roman numerals more Swiss than Arabic numbers?”

“Nazy,” I replied. “You are getting bogged down in detail. The concept is clear: these newcomers are threatening Swiss-ness. They will make the Swiss Guards at the Vatican swap their colourful garb for khaki; all Swiss Army knives will need an indicator that points to Mecca, cuckoo clocks will issue calls to daily prayers. Raw ingredients for chocolate will be imported from countries in South America or (gasp!) Africa. A foreign carrier will take ownership of the national airline.”

Oops, Lufthansa owns Swiss International Airlines and I don't think any cocoa beans are grown in Switzerland.

The Deal Falls Through

We have spent the last six months working on our response to the customer’s RFP. Now, according to the team…

“It’s an impossible situation,” Steve explained. “They want to transfer all the risk to us..”

“Of course.” I replied.

“.. and their contractual terms eliminate our ability to mitigate the risk.”

“Naturally, my friend. You know who we’re dealing with...”

“But you said that they wanted a new relationship: a marriage.”

“They are polygamists.”

“That’s not..”

“They just want us to join the harem.”

“Dan!”

“At the back of the line.”

I pretended to be unfazed, but the news was not good. The newly announced requirements did, in fact, make it impossible for us to respond.

I considered ways to explain the problem to our executive management team. “Simple”, I thought. “Simple should appeal to them.”

Bad! Bad! Bad!
Deal Sucks!
Sad! Sad! Sad!
Hockey Pucks!

I know that the ‘poem’ is nonsense. Remember, however, that I was writing for executive management. Having read their dispatches, I assume that they like nonsense.