Greenwich

I was in London. (I know, it’s not particularly unusual.) I had a bit of spare time and it was a beautiful day, so I decided to visit Greenwich.

The sky was blue with puffy white clouds when I descended into the voluminous Bank Street Underground Station. The country had just installed a new government: a coalition between the Conservative and Liberal Democrat parties. It was unusual for the UK. The Conservatives are ‘Euro-skeptic’ and the Liberal Democrats want to move closer to Europe.

The election was inconclusive. (As Bill Clinton pointed out after the 2000 election in the USA: “The people have spoken: now we just have to figure out what they said.”) The Conservatives elected five times as many MPs (Members of Parliament) as the Liberal Democrats, but they didn’t have a majority – so compromise was necessary. In fact, the UK seems to be moving closer to the Continent which almost always has elections that are inconclusive.
There was heavy theatre as the Liberals, philosophically closer to the Labor Party, considered forming a ‘coalition of the losers’ – even though together they didn’t have a majority. In the end, however, arithmetic won. It will be interesting to see if this actually works.

In any case, I wandered through the long tunnels in Bank Street Station and (eventually) found the DLR to Greenwich. When I arrived, it was raining – heavily. The shuttle to the observatory was not to be found and the Cutty Sark was hidden. (It was being repaired after a fire.) I purchased a cheap umbrella and started walking – discovering along the way that the umbrella was too cheap.

(In fairness, I admit that even an expensive umbrella would have provided little shelter from rain that was descending to terra firma in a fast, but for the most part, horizontal stream. It was windy. I gave up and returned to The City.

I was disgorged from the Bank Street Station into sunny weather: blue skies and puffy white clouds. I considered going back to the office – for about a nanosecond.

The photo is from Greenwich and was located in The Martin Family Archives.

The Hair Dresser

It began innocently: “How do you like my hair?” Nazy asked.

“Actually, Nazy, I have no personal experience with hair.”

“Dan,”

“However,” I continued, well aware that Nazy had just returned from a visit to Nathalie her hair-dresser. “I think that your hair looks great!”

“Hmm…”

“Is something wrong?” I asked – perceptively.

“It isn’t the same length on both sides.”

“Mitra tells me that this is a good..”

“Mitra wanted to have her hair cut that way, Dan. But I..”

“You’ve been going to Nathalie for ..”

“…years, Dan. Now she’s opened up her own shop and she doesn’t have time for me. She sends an army of trainees in her place. Should I try someone else – starting with a shampoo and blow dry? What do you think?”

“What do I think?” I thought. “You want to pay someone to shampoo and blow dry your hair?” I replied.

“I asked a question, Dan. And remember, Nathalie doesn’t cut or color my hair the way I ask her to do it.”

“Well Nazy. If she’s not doing what you want, then leave.”

“But I’ve been with Nathalie for years.”

“So stay and be more demanding.”

“But I’m not happy with what she does.”

“Then leave.”

“Yes – but..”

The new hairdresser is Bjorn. We both agree that he is prettier than Nathalie.

After the discussion, it seemed wise to retreat to the mountaintop for R&R.

India (Part 3)

Wrapping up the last issue, I noted that: I was happy that we had ‘solved’ the problem.

The request for warranty coverage on the servers that we were ‘giving’ to the customer was not unreasonable. The servers were basically useless unless they were maintained. We agreed.

The payment issue was a little more complex.

“We would like to pay the invoice, Dan, but we can’t.”I was speaking with Finance in India.

“Really? Why not?” I asked.

“These servers came from Europe.”

“No local or Asia-Pacific servers could be found.”

“I know, but, the corporate standards of business conduct make it impossible for us to pay for this.”

“Because?”

“It might be interpreted as a gray market activity.”

“No problem,” I replied. “It is a very small payment. I’ll just arrange for it to be paid by our colleagues in Europe.”

But:

“We would like to pay the invoice, Dan, but we can’t.” European finance attempted to enlighten me.

“Really? Why not?” I asked.

“The servers were delivered in India.”

“Yes, that what we agreed to do.”

“If we pay for delivery of European servers into India, it will violate the corporate standards of business conduct.”

“Somehow, I’m not surprised,” I thought.

“Just get ask the customer in India to issue a PO to us.”

“A PO for what?”

“Nothing. It’s just a way to get the money to the customer.”

“Are you sure that won’t violate the corporate standards of business conduct?”

It didn’t. And:

I was happy that we had [Finally} ‘solved’ the problem.

Except: the customer didn’t like that solution.

After considering writing them a personal check and claiming it on the travel and expense account, I proposed a ‘credit note’. This meant that the customer would receive a discount on a future order. The discount would balance the problem invoice.

It appears that the customer (Exhausted, perhaps?) has agreed.

The credit note has been issued. Of course they haven’t ordered anything because they’re able to use the ‘free servers’ to meet the current needs.

India (Part 2)

In the last entry, I was happy that we had ‘solved’ the situation. There was still a trivial amount of ‘cleaning up’ to do – we had to retrieve the now not-needed servers. But..

An intermediary in Mumbai handled the import taxes and transportation from the airport to the customer location. Following the standard process:

• The intermediary billed the customer for this service.


• The customer did not pay the invoice; we had agreed to pay it.


• The intermediary placed the customer on ‘credit hold’.


• Responding to an alert from the intermediary we placed the customer on ‘credit hold’.
  
  

Eventually we figured out what had happened. The easy solution, Credit and Payment told me, would be to have the intermediary change the billing address from the customer to us. I communicated this approach to the customer and got agreement.

I was happy that we had ‘solved’ the situation. Except…

Several weeks passed without anything actually happening. I called finance:

“What is the problem here? The customer is driving me crazy.”

“The invoice is for ₤800,000 – more than one million dollars. We can’t accept that.”

“The invoice import tax on 13 obsolete servers and transportation from the airport to the customer’s datacenter. Traffic is bad in Mumbai, but something is clearly wrong..”

It turned out that the invoice was for 800,000 Indian Rupiahs – about $10,000. Finance agreed to authorize payment.

Given the difficulties we had getting the machines into India, we were not excited about trying to ship them back to the UK. Luckily, we were able to convince server division to simply leave them in India – as a gift.

I was happy that we had ‘solved’ the problem.

Except

• The customer wanted the gifts to come with free (3-year) maintenance.


• Although everyone had agreed to pay, no one had actually paid.
  

To be continued.

The photo is of the Taj Palace Hotel in Mumbai.

India

The new servers didn’t always work. They usually worked – but at unpredictable times they stopped. And, when they stopped they couldn’t be restarted remotely: a human being had to physically push the reset button. The customer had a ‘lights-out’ datacenter, i.e. no onsite staff, so when the server did fail, someone had to drive to the datacenter. The customer was not happy.

“They are being unreasonable,” our support team said.

Normally I would have agreed: they are usually unreasonable. But this time:“They just want what they bought to work,” I replied. “I think that is very reasonable.”

The problem is intermittent and hard to replicate.”

“I know. That’s why you’re fixing it and not me.”

It became clear that it getting a fix be neither straightforward nor rapid. Because the old servers didn’t have this problem, we agreed to temporarily replace the new servers with old servers. It wasn’t easy to locate the replacements which had gone EOL (end-of-life) many months earlier.
After an ‘inordinate delay’ (customer evaluation), we located 170 severs on the after-market. After we refurbished and certified them we shipped them, at our expense, to about 13 different countries. There were two small glitches:

• The problem with the new servers was fixed just after the old servers were shipped.


• It was impossible for us to pay for the final leg of shipping in Mumbai. We agreed to reimburse the customer.
  

Unaware of the impending doom, I basked in the knowledge that we had solved the problem.
But: To Be Continued.

The photo is from India.

Rehab

“They want to send me to rehab, Knut.” I explained to a colleague.

“Rehab?”

“It’s very fashionable. Everybody is doing it.”

“Everybody who has a problem. What’s your problem, Dan?”

“Cynicism.”

“Cynicism?”

“Excessive cynicism! I thought I was just sarcastic, but..”

“.. there is a thin line between sarcastic and cynical, Dan.” Knut replied.

“Perhaps I crossed the line. When we acquired (yet) another company, I expressed the hope that we would not follow our standard process: Locate and drive away the human expertise. And then off-shore everything else.”

“Well Dan, that does sound cynical.”

“It’s not cynical, Knut. It is simply an expression of hope.”

“Hope, Dan?”

“Of course! There is no way that we could possibly identify the humans with the expertise. Those people will depart all by themselves.”

“Wow! And they think you’re cynical.”

“I just don’t understand it.”

“But rehab, Dan?”

“Like I said, it’s the latest thing for treating problems: Alcohol, Drugs, Sex and now Cynicism. I’ll be treated just like Lindsey, Paris, Brittney and Tiger.

It is wisteria season in Zürich.

The Customer Meeting

Because of the volcano-induced delay, I had plenty of time to prepare for the meeting. Historically, this kind of session had not gone well. A bit of background.

There is a world-wide shortage of computer memory.

A small group of companies located in Asia manufacture memory for almost all computer servers. In the interests of operational efficiency, all suppliers have an extensive and complex supply chain – which means that nobody actually controls manufacture of the components that are necessary to build their computers. Nobody maintains inventory – that would add cost. Moreover, the ‘just-in-time’ manufacturing model means that nothing is ordered until (just before) it is needed – and just after a buyer has issued a Purchase Order. Thus, when demand declines, it impacts factories immediately. In this recession, demand declined dramatically. Memory manufacturing capacity dropped so much that factories were closed. Unfortunately, it is far easier to close a factory than it is to open a factory. Creating a memory fabrication plant is capital-intensive and time-consuming. So, although demand has recovered, shortages remain – and will remain for some time. My conclusions about this situation will be the subject of a subsequent entry.

The customer, aware of the shortage, is totally understanding. Waiting for the meeting to begin, I reviewed the situation in my mind. It was simple, he customer wants all of their orders to be delivered:

“Immediately, Dan. These are business critical systems.”

“There is,” I explained, “a global memory shortage.”

“We are a big customer – one of your biggest – and we need priority.”

“You were a big customer – the year before last.” I thought. “Last year your order volume dropped by…”, I said.

“We demand the highest priority.”

“All of our customers demand the highest priority,” I thought.

We had put several procedures and processes in place to track the orders and make sure that they received the appropriate attention. The shortages, however, remained. In spite of our effort, I wasn’t convinced that the customer would understand.

I had a quick lunch at a Chinese take-out place before the meeting. My fortune cookie was auspicious.

Present your best ideas today to
An eager and welcoming audience.

But I was still skeptical. And I was prepared. I had statistics, reports, plans and facts. I knew that I was ready for anything. The customer opened the meeting.

“I want to thank you for the amazing effort you’ve made. We notice substantial improvement and really appreciate what you’ve done.”

I was ready for almost everything. This particular gambit had me flummoxed.

“And, I know that we can sometimes be, well, difficult, so I would appreciate it if you can tell us how we can improve our processes.”

Not only was I flummoxed, I was gobsmacked. I was speechless. I was..

“Are you okay, Dan?” the customer asked.

The Top

Deutsche Bank invited Nazy and I to attend an Atlantic Council awards dinner in Washington last week. (Deutsche Bank CEO Josef Ackermann was getting an award for trans-Atlantic business management success.)

Reader Interrupt

The Atlantic Council gave a management award to a banker?

Yes

They gave an award to a banker in 2010?

Yes

What do you think about this?

I will address that question in a subsequent entry. Disclaimer: I like Joe Ackermann.

This entry is focused on the critically important item of: “What will we wear?”
It was a black tie event. I had been trapped in the USA by the volcano, but since my initial purpose in coming was to attend a wedding, I had appropriate clothing. Almost:

“And get a cummerbund while you’re in New York.” Nazy mandated.

“I can just use the one …”

“You want something black, Dan. Pink, Yellow and Purple polka dots will not do.”

“Actually,” I thought. “I do not want something black. I like Polka Dots.”

“Yes dear,” I said.

Thus, I was ready when we arrived in Washington. Moreover, Nazy, who had planned to stay in the USA until the dinner, had packed everything. [She was unaware of the deplorable baggage surcharges.] Because she had tried everything on before leaving Zürich, she knew how it looked and what she’d wear. You can imagine my astonishment:

“We’ll borrow Shahrzad’s car so we can go shopping," Nazy explained.

“Shopping?”

“I need a top for my dinner outfit.”

“You brought a top. In fact, I seem to recall that you brought several tops.”

“Dan..”

“And Shahrzad said that you could borrow one of hers if..”

“Dan!”

“I just don’t see the point.”

And, missing the point, I sat in the changing room as Nazy tried on a massive number of different tops. In the end she..

“…. decided on these two, Dan.”

“Two? What is this, a failback in case one fails?”

“I don’t like your formal shirt, Dan. Let’s go look at the Nieman-Marcus men’s selection.”

If you can’t wait until the next blog entry, you can check out the event at:

http://www.acus.org/event/2010-awards-dinner

Apples

Trapped in Atlanta, Darius and I seized the moment:

“We can get some ribs for dinner, Dad.”

“Mom..”

“… would never approve, but she is in California and we are in Atlanta.”

“I see your point.”

“And I need to fix my iPhone.”

Last Christmas, Nazy and I gave Darius an iPhone – a very expensive iPhone. Aware of the high prices in Switzerland, we asked Melika to acquire the device in California – where it cost even more. The day before Christmas, Darius commented (extensively) on the shortcoming of the iPhone:

“It’s bogus, Dad. They link the phone to a network. Android from Google is much, much better. Apple sucks.”

As you can imagine, this comment generated some consternation in the parental cohort of The Martin Family.

Darius changed his (i)Tune after he opened the phone. But:

“It’s not supported in Lebanon, Dad.”

“It won’t work?”

“Everyone has them, so …”

“Will it work, Dar?” I replied. “Your Mom would like an iPhone if it won’t.” I thought.

“I think I can get it unlocked.” (He wasn't willing to part with it.)

In fact, he did get unlocked. It worked for three days and then he loaded an update from the Apple website. Then:

“See Dad,” Darius explained. “The only thing it does is say:

Slide for Emergency.

“What does that mean?”

“I don’t know. If I’m attacked by a mugger, do I slide to the grown? Slide the phone into his knee?”

“Dar..”

“It’s Apple, Dad. They are corporate villains. They knew it was me and they disabled my phone. I’m going to the Apple store and I’ll give them a piece of my mind.”

“Which piece?” I thought.

“They’ll just tell me that I’m using the phone in an unsupported area and then…”

“You’ll throw it in their faces?”

“Dad.”

“We can look at the iPad while we’re there, Dar.”
“The iPad is so lame, Dad. It’s too big to be an eBook and too small to be a laptop. No one will want one.”

“I want one.” I thought.

Contrary to Darius’ expectations, the Apple store fixed his phone. And equally contrary, Darius liked the iPad.

“This is cool, Dad. You push the ON button and it turns on, Dad. Immediately.”

“Isn’t that what a machine should do?”

“Have you tried booting a Windows PC, Dad?”

“I know, it used to be possible to get a cup of coffee while the machine was getting ready to do something, but now you can have a full American breakfast.”

“Turning a PC off is equally difficult.”

Unfortunately, the Atlanta Apple store had no iPads in stock. The huge US demand has also delayed introduction in Europe.

“Well, Darius,” I said. “It’s not all bad.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’m going to New York. I think they’ll have iPads in stock.”

Note: They did. And their stock decreased by at least 1 when I got there.

The photo is completely unrelated to the text, but I like it.

The Taxi

“How are we going to get to the airport, Dan?” Nazy asked as she was packing.

“We could take a taxi, but since I will be gone for only three days, I believe that it will be cheaper to simply take the car.”

“Cheaper?”

“Sure. The taxi will cost 65 francs each way and three days in airport parking will only cost 120 Francs. We save 10 Francs and it’s much more convenient.”

“Good idea.”

“If we can fit all of the suitcases into the car,” I thought surveying the pile. The, imprudently, I made a comment about the additional cost of renting a trailer.

When my return flight was cancelled because of the volcano, I wasn’t disturbed. I had suffered numerous flight delays and cancellations in my career. Moreover, aware that I had to return to NYC for a business meeting the following Saturday, I decided to stay in the USA for an additional 12 days. Nazy, on the other had was traveling west – aware from the volcano – to visit Mitra and Melika in California.

Eventually it occurred to me that 15 days at 40 Francs a day would cost:

“600 Francs!” I thought. “Good grief.”

I immediately called Nazy to described the problem.

“But you said..”

The photo is of the taxi that we will be able to afford when we return to Zürich.

The Volcano

Please forgive the delay in posting the blog. I have been trapped in the USA as a result of volcano- induced (Mt. Eyjafjallajökull) flight cancellations.

The family trip was planned a year ago to attend Nazy’s niece’s wedding in Chattanooga. Nazy had spent most of the preceding year deciding what to wear and what to bring. (Because she planned to stay in the states for a while after the wedding to visit Mitra, Melika and various relatives in Canada and Washington, her wardrobe selections were complex.) I had patiently (and fruitlessly) watched an commented upon potential gowns for the black tie affair by failing to note subtle color differences (“It’s not gray, Dan, it’s pink!").

Just before we were scheduled to depart, Nazy prepared a gargantuan list of ‘things we mustn’t forget to pack’. She asked me to review the list:

“Q-tips?” I asked. “Surely the hotel will have Q-tips.”

“Dan..”

“It’s the best hotel in Chattanooga.. oh, I see what you’re saying.”

“Dan..”

“I will only be gone for three days, Nazy. I am a world traveler. I don’t need a list.”

“Have you packed your studs and cufflinks?” Nazy was aware that I don’t usually bring formal clothes on my business trips.

“Got them right here,” I replied as a picked them from the closet.

Both flights left on time. Nazy was taking US Air to Atlanta via Philadelphia. I was going on Lufthansa via Frankfurt.

“Poor Nazy,” I thought. “She is a peon-class frequent flyer – she’ll be cramped and uncomfortable whereas I, as an elite traveler will be feted and tended.”

Nazy got an entire row of empty seats to herself. I got stuffed in the back of the airplane in the midst of a group of bedraggled and smelly tourists.

Upon arrival, we collected Mitra and Stefan and drove to Chattanooga – admiring a beautiful new moon and Venus along the way.

Wedding day came and..

“I can’t find my studs and cufflinks!” I explained (cautiously).

“I told you..”

“I know.”

After the wedding, as we began to drive back to Atlanta for our onward journey, I got a text message from Lufthansa:

We apologize that your flight LH445 ATL-FRA 18Apr 6:15PM has been cancelled. Please call.
Nazy’s flight, naturally, left exactly on-time.

The photo is Mt. Etna in Sicily. The airplane to Atlanta took a southern route across the ocean and couldn’t be seen.

A Better Photo

As recounted in an earlier post, Nazy needs to get a Persian birth certificate. A trip to the Iranian Embassy in Bern was necessary as was an “Islamic” photo. (Her existing certificate is from the Empire of Iran and is not acceptable. She needs one from the Islamic ‘Republic’ of Iran instead.

Note: I promised Nazy that I would never again publish that photograph. According, interested blog followers are directed to the February 14 posting.

Note (further): I suggested that Nazy wear a burka will full head cover for the photo: “That way, none of your friends will be able to tell that it is a photograph of you.” Nazy demurred.

A few months later, the Iranian Embassy has asked for a “more Islamic…

“… photo,” the charge de’ affairs explained.

“More Islamic?” Nazy asked. “How?”

“You need to cover your neck. And..”

“And?”

“We need the birth certificates from all of your brothers and sisters.”

“Why?” Nazy asked.

“It’s required.” [All governments, Islamic or not, use similar justification language.]

Nazy is going use a photo machine at the train station.

The photo shows a more conventional Nazy – bargaining in Poland.

The Negotiation

The negotiations were dragging. (In short, everything was normal.) The customer requested an escalation. (Still normal.)

“My people,” my counterpart explained, “are telling me that your company keeps bringing up new things.”

“Interesting,” I replied. “My people are telling me that your company keeps bringing up old things.”

“You’ll need to bend on the price.”

“Bend?” I thought. “I’ll see if I can hire a contortionist.” I replied.

“Funny..”

“I can’t believe he has a sense of humor,” I thought. “I was sure that he was an automaton.”

“.. and on the terms and conditions. Naturally, we don’t accept your standard payment terms.”

“Of course not,” I replied. “That’s why we offered you better terms.”

“Nevertheless…”

“Do you plan on paying in the same decade that the invoice is generated?” I thought.

“… you’ll have to do better.”

“It’s nice that we understand each other,” I replied.

The photo is from our visit to Poland – appropriately demonstrating the care that must be taken in contractual negotiations.

The Wedding Trip

“I have a small problem, Dad.” Darius began.

“That’s not surprising,” I thought. “Are you stuck in a riot in Afghanistan?” I asked.

“I’ve never been to Afghanistan, Dad.”

“Did your frequent flyer trip to Sri Lanka go awry?”

Note: The purported objective of the Sri Lankan excursion was to get sufficient frequent flier miles to make to Chattanooga for the wedding.

“I went scuba diving in the Indian Ocean..”

“But?”

“Well, I had a little problem getting the trip from Beirut to Chattanooga booked using frequent flier miles. I had to pay for a shuttle trip to Kuwait.”

“Was it expensive?”

“No.”

“So, Darius, what is the problem?”

“I’m supposed to present a paper at the economic forum in China on the very same day as the wedding.”

“Hmm. I’m sure we can ask your Aunt to move the wedding back by one week."

“Do you think so?”

“Or maybe they could move the wedding from Chattanooga to Shanghai.”

“Dad..”

“The wedding was booked a year ago, Dar,” I explained. “You have accepted the invitation.”

“I also accepted the invitation to present this paper,” Darius thought.

“How did the conflict arise?” I asked.

“Don’t ask, Dad.” Darius responded.

Somehow Darius got the people in China to delay his presentation by a few days.

The photo is of an asymmetric church in Krakow.

Getting Home

Did you make it back to Zürich?

Yes.

Without help from the navigation system?

Partially! Claudia (the navigation system) awoke when we entered Germany. See photo above of Poland rendered ‘blank’ on the navigation system screen. (Note, as well, all the triangles indicating traffic problems.)

Were there any other driving challenges?

Nazy forgot to bring her key. That meant that before she could drive, she had to manually adjust the driver’s seat.

Gasp!

And, when I resumed driving, my key failed to automatically adjust the seat to my preferences. It was, as you can imagine, a very difficult time.

How long did it take to get to Zürich from Krakow?

About as long as it took Napoleon to retreat from Moscow. The German autobahns were crowded, narrow, bumpy and old. Naturally drivers adjusted their speed upward to cope. Resultant accidents created more congestion which in turn resulted in motorists attempts to make up time by moving to even higher speed – and so on.

Nazy's Birthday

For Nazy’s birthday dinner, I had planned..

Spousal interrupt: “You planned? Really?”

Hmm. For Nazy’s birthday dinner, I had vaguely thought of finding a great restaurant in Prague. When I was thinking about that, I didn’t know that traversing the last 4 kilometers to the hotel would take 90 minutes. Accordingly, Nazy and I jointly agreed to eat at the hotel restaurant.

The Grand Palace Hotel had a fine restaurant – a restaurant featuring service by a strange waiter named Valec. He didn’t walk, he floated. Valec spoke about 14 languages – well, he knew about 10 phrases in about 14 languages and he used them over and over again. Whenever he stopped by – which was frequently – he left by backing away: bowing, bobbing and babbling as he retreated.

Nazy, shunning the ‘by the glass’ selections, wanted a fine wine. Ever practical, I noted:

“We will never be able to finish an entire bottle, my dear.”

“That’s because you, Dan, don’t partake sufficiently.”

“Nevertheless..”

“Mark DeWolff told me to drink what you like and take the rest of the bottle with you. It’s accepted.”

“Accepted? Perhaps. Expected? I doubt it.” I replied.

It really didn’t matter, Valec decanted the wine into a 400 year old bohemian crystal carafe.

“We can't take that to the room," I explained to Nazy.

"I guess we'll just have to drink it," she replied.

The photo is from the main square in Prague.

Where are we?

“Can you imagine,” Nazy said, “a trip without a navigation system? Remember how we always got in a fight before?”

“Well..” I began.

“That was because you never turned when I told you.” Nazy continued.

“That was because you always told me to turn after we had passed the junction.” I thought.

We decided to stop in Prague on the way to Krakow. Someone…

Spousal Interrupt: “That someone was you, Dan.”

“… should have noted that adding the MapBlast travel times from Zürich to Prague and Prague to Krakow resulted in a total that was far larger than the time from Zürich directly to Krakow.”

Note: We hope to confirm this statement on the return journey where no mid-way stop is planned.

It was snowing when we started off on our last excursion – to the Christmas market in Heidelberg. We live in Switzerland, so it was snowing when we started on this Spring excursion.

Nazy and I exude cautious optimism about a potential trip on our anniversary: July 22.

We had no trouble getting to Prague. However, Krakow is in Poland and

“Uwaga! Claudia doesn’t know about Poland.” I gasped. (‘Uwaga’ is the Polish word meaning ‘Attention’.)

It took a long (and motorwayless) time to get to Krakow.

It was Good Friday in Prague. I was able to find the hidden Easter Egg

Nowhereville, Czech Republic

Sorry for the delay in posting. Nazy and I have been traveling. Now we’re in Krakow, Poland. Nazy is ‘getting ready’, so I have plenty of time to work on the blog.

After several friends told her that “all the shops” in Rome would be closed for the Easter holiday, Nazy suggested an alternative arrangement. (“We can go to Rome another time, dear.”)

We decided on Krakow before checking on any navigational details. After checking, we looked at a map and decided that a mid-trip stop in Prague made sense. Naturally, we didn’t check on the availability of motorways in the Czech Republic or Poland. Even more ominously, we never czeched to see if Claudia, the car’s navigation automaton knew about Eastern Europe. (She doesn’t.)

As far as we can tell, the Czech national competency is an uncanny ability to create traffic jams in the middle of nowhere for no reason whatsoever. Frequently, motorways would give way to rural lanes in countryside. When that happened, there was an inevitable backup (average time: 40 minutes; average speed: 5 kph) at a roundabout in nowhereville.

When this happened, Nazy examined the ‘map’.

A map is a piece of paper filled with random lines and words. In this case, the ‘map’ had lots of words with hats. None of the words was pronounceable.

We finally made it to Prague – a beautiful city that we hadn’t seen in almost 20 years. Nazy was in Crystal Heaven – although some of the business establishments seemed a bit sketchy.

The Letter of Intent

“We want to close on an LoI, a Letter of Intent, Dan.” The account director was clear.

I thought back to a discussion that took place in Vancouver – many years ago. Our company President, a bit of a moron, was really excited. He had gotten the Toronto Dominion bank to sign an “irrevocable letter of intent”.

“But,” I asked. “Is it an unchangeable, irrevocable letter of intent?”

He just looked at me.

“Intent to do what?” I thought.

In the current situation, the LoI was targeted to close on April 1.

“That’s April Fool’s Day,” I replied. “Can we close one day earlier?”

“How about April 2nd,” the director replied.

“That’s Good Friday. You know what happened then.”

Actually, there was no cause for alarm. The negotiations began in the Neolithic Age and are unlikely to conclude anytime soon.

Tomorrow is Nazy’s birthday – and accordingly she gets a photo in the blog.

Roaming in Rome?

“The shops will be closed!” A sentence greeted differently by Nazy and Dan.

“It’s Easter , my dear,” I explained. “A once in a life-time chance: we can visit the Vatican.”

“The Catholic Church is not very popular these days,” Nazy replied

.
“The procession only happens once a year,” I continued. “We’d be fools to miss it.”

“It will be crowded. We won’t be able to get reservations at any good restaurant.”

“So? We’ll just eat at McDonald’s,” I replied – hopefully. “And I found a really grand hotel. It’s right in the shopping district.”

“Dan! We should go to Rome some other time.”

“No Roaming?”

“None at all.”

“So, where would you like to spend your birthday?”

“At the Pucci Emporium,” Nazy thought. “What do you suggest, Dan?” Nazy said.

We decided that Italy is too Catholic, Greece is too far, Germany too rainy, Austria too German, Switzerland too close to home…

“What about Krakow?” I suggested.

“Isn’t the Pope from Krakow?” Nazy was still thinking about Easter in Rome.

“Old Pope, not the new one.” I replied.

We’ve decided to go to Krakow via Prague for Nazy’s birthday.

The photo is from the last family trip to Rome. Clearly we haven't been there is a (long) while.

Rome for Easter?

“Thursday is my birthday, Dan. Can’t we do something special?” Nazy asked.

“Of course, my dear,” I replied. “I’ll find a nice restaurant,” I thought. “What did you have in mind?”

“We could spend the Easter holiday in Italy.”

“Italy?”

“Rome. We haven’t been to Rome for about 20 years.”

“Hmm…” I replied.

“And when we went, our hotel…”

“… sucked,” I thought.

“… wasn’t so great,” Nazy noted. “We deserve a good hotel – something near the Spanish Steps.”

“I thought the Spanish Steps were in Madrid.”

“Dan! The Spanish Steps are in the middle of the best shopping district.”

“Really?”

“We can go shopping in Rome.”

“The stores will be closed for the Easter holiday, Nazy.” I exclaimed.

“Maybe we should travel the week after my birthday. It won’t be so crowded. Do you think they do ‘after Easter’ sales?”

In response to queries, I’ve included a photo of a sport jacket tailored in Hong Kong. Readers were concerned that may have purchased a polka dot tuxedo.

Questions and Answers (more)

Has the city (finally) collected your Christmas Tree?

It’s only Easter.
But?

But, no! After we sawed the goliath of Christmas Trees into a plethora of Tiny Tim pieces, the disjointed pieces of the tree trunk we collected. However, the branches – which, defying science, are still green – remain, forlornly deposited on the ground. We tried putting them into the ‘green garbage’:

“They are, in fact, ever-green,” I explained to Nazy.

The result was unsuccessful. They simply stopped emptying the Green Garbage. Now we have been reduced to chopping the remaining branches into very small twigs that we hide amongst the defunct cut flowers.

Flowers are not green. Can you discard them in the green garbage?

Don’t ask.

What do you think of the passage of the healthcare package in the USA?

I live in Europe. No one here, including me, understands the difficulty in meeting a basic human need.

But isn’t it expensive?

The Americans pay twice as much per capita as any other major country – and half of the population is uninsured and the life span is lower. I think it was already expensive.

The plan is coercive. The government will force you to purchase insurance. Isn’t that wrong?

The government will force you? Is that a surprise? We have the same kind of plan in Switzerland. And, by the way, they can’t cancel my insurance when I get sick.

But the way health care is handled is absurd. There is no link between the payer and the service.

That’s absolutely true. But that’s a different problem. And, by the way, that wasn't a question.

Unintended Consequences

Presentations at the Ambassador’s meeting continued. People reluctantly came to the conclusion that the IRS representatives were simply drones charged with enforcing the law and, therefore, any attacks on fairness were misplaced. But:

“Do not forget to report your foreign bank account information to the treasury department.”

“I don’t have a foreign bank account,” I thought. “I live in Switzerland. I have a Swiss account.”

“Any bank account that had $10,000 in it at any time during the year must be reported.”

“Which line of the 1040 (tax file) should you use?” Someone asked.

“It’s not a tax requirement, it is a treasury requirement. It’s a different form and a different deadline.”

“Why do they want to know about my bank accounts?” I asked.

There was a lot of hemming and hawing and then the Ambassador explained that the rule was a consequence of a law attacking gun runners, terrorists and money laundering operations.
“So,” I thought. “Do I understand this properly: Gun running is my profession – i.e. I’m willing to smuggle guns and risk attack by an actual army. The American solution to the problem is to require that I register my bank account number? If I’m willing to run guns, then I’m probably willing to forgo bank account registration.”

When I explained this to Darius, he immediately concluded that the government is lying.

“Lying, Darius?” I replied. “The government? Surely you jest!”

“They want to collect all your financial information, Dad.”

“It could be that the law is just an unintended consequence of some rider that a misguided senator attached to a bridge building bill.”

“Dad..”

“Remember, misguided senators are not in short supply.”

The photo show Nazy negotiating with the IRS.

A fair amount of money?

Nazy and I attended an information briefing from the embassy last night. Things went well until the topic of taxes arose. The new ambassador stepped in to the fray.

“Is it true,” I asked, “that the US is the only country that taxes based on citizenship rather than residency?”

“Yes. The only major country.”

“That’s taxation with our representation,” someone in the back shouted.

“Yes, but..” the ambassador was struggling.

“Why can’t we, as expats, have a representative in Congress?” Nazy asked.

“That would require a constitutional amendment. Can you imagine the legislature of South Carolina or Nebraska voting to add 2 more senators? I grew up in Washington, it took 50 years to get a representative there. And we lived in the continental USA.”

“There are examples,” someone said. “Germany, Italy and France allow expats to elect parliament members.”

“That’s true..”

“So, they’re represented and aren’t taxed, while we’re unrepresented and are taxed. Is that right?” I asked.

“Yes,”

“Do you think the tax will be dropped?”

“Of course not,” the ambassador replied. “Just think how it would play on Fox News with Bill O’Reilly: Rich Americans in Zürich want tax break.”

“Ah..”

“Besides,” the ambassador continued. “it raises a fair amount of money..”

“I wouldn’t use the adjective ‘fair’ to characterize the money,” I interrupted.

“.. a substantial amount of money. And in this era of unbalanced budgets...”

It turns out that the tax was established during the Kennedy administration because “all Americans should pay taxes”. Studies show that the tax has made it more expensive for Americans to work abroad and, as a result, has increased the trade deficit. The 6,000,000 Americans abroad have no political voice and nothing will change. They admitted that the tax caused lots of Americans Abroad to simply drop off the radar.

Tomorrow: the foreign bank account form.

The photo is from Lake Geneva near Montreaux

Currency

Upon returning to Switzerland, I can’t help but notice a plethora of complaints about the ‘inaccurate’ valuation of the Chinese currency. The Renminbi is, the internet claims, undervalued. According to fuzzy memories from an economics class that I took at Georgia Tech in an earlier era (Precambrian), this is a good situation for the American (and European) consumer. In short: Chinese imports are cheap.

Aside: Based on experience in Shenzhen, I can confirm that prices are low.

The Chinese economy is driven by exports. A cheap Renminbi, not only increases exports, it has allowed China to amass a vast reserve of US dollars.

“Hmm,” I think. “Is it smart to hold so very many dollars?”

I recall a few years ago that Japan had a similar policy – an export-driven economy that amassed a huge trade surplus in US dollars. There was worry that the Japanese economy would leave the US in the dust. There was consternation when a Japanese organization bought Rockefeller Center. There was enormous pressure on Japan to ‘correctly value’ the ¥en. There was a huge bubble in the Japanese real estate market: property in Tokyo was worth more than all of the United States.

Eventually, Japan gave into to pressure and revalued the currency. The economy stagnated, the bubble burst and the country has been in the economic doldrums for the last 20 years.

Hmm.. perhaps we see why there is resistance to revalutation from China. And, by the way, is it possible that a bubble is building up in China?

The photo has nothing to do with the posting; I’m just following through on an earlier promise.

Singapore and Hong Kong

How did the shopping go during your trip to Asia?

Hong Kong and Singapore are both known for superior shopping. My problem was, I suspect, typical. I could find very cheap things and very expensive things. (Sometimes both items looked very similar.) Both cities had a plethora of bespoke tailoring emporiums. I stuck with the one I’m familiar with in Hong Kong.

What about electronics?

In Shenzhen, a metro ride away from Hong Kong, they were selling ‘iPhones’ for around $39. However, while I like electronics, after getting a batch of custom-madesuits, it didn’t seem prudent to purchase electronics as well.

What about copy watches?

Not nearly as prevalent as they were, say, 10 years ago.

This was a business trip, right?

Well, the company paid for it.

How did the business portion go?

Lot’s of negotiation. The customer’s core competency is procurement. All of their procurement officials have graduated from the Pyongyang School of Negotiation in North Korea. Many took Master’s degrees in Iran.

Did you accomplish anything?

Of course.

What?

Well, I got a bit of a suntan in Singapore.

The photo is of the shopping area in Kowloon.

Happy New Year

The Vernal Equinox occurred yesterday, March 20 at 6:32PM CET. This time marked the official, scientific beginning of Spring. It also marked the Persian New Year.

Nazy and I visited the Oriental Palace Restaurant in Montreaux with friends for a typical Persian Lunch. The Restaurant building, constructed in the 1920’s is based on a Moroccan design. It commands a wonderful view of the Alps and Lake Geneva. (The view is more wonderful when it’s neither rainy nor foggy.)

After enjoying the lamb and rice (and yogurt and fruit, eggplant and tea), we strolled along the Lake. (The rain had become light drizzle.) We posed by the Freddy Mercury statue (see tomorrow’s photo) and followed Claudia’s convoluted directions back to Zürich.

[Claudia is the navigation computer on the car. She is blissfully unaware of ongoing construction projects on Swiss motorways and local streets.]

At home, following tradition, we called friends and relatives to wish the a Happy New Year. Naturally, Nazy had set up the traditional Halft-Seen.

Question and Answers

Did you take the photo of the Singapore Airlines A-380 that appeared in a recent post?

I was sitting inside the airplane in an aisle seat. The windows on the Airbus 380 are big (like everything on the airplane except the overhead compartments), but to take that picture, I would have needed to step outside. I’m sure that an attempt in open the door would not have been viewed as acceptable behavior.

I notice that you’re making extremely regular postings in this blog. Has your readership improved?

You are among the very few who have noticed.

Do you have more readers?

I can’t tell.

How are you enjoying your trip to Singapore?

It’s a new and shiny city. Everything works- although I did catch a taxi with a defective transmission. The financial district has been built on land reclaimed from the sea. (It was a lagoon when I first came to Singapore many years ago. The weather reminds me of Houston. Business remains challenging.

What is today’s photo?

The Singapore Flyer

I Came

I am in Singapore. The objective was to meet with the customer. The reality? This meeting was with the sourcing, i.e. procurement, group. The meeting began auspiciously:

“You came.” The customer began.

“Indeed,” I replied. “I came. I saw.”

“Hmm..”

“And tomorrow, I will conquer,” I thought.

“I can’t hear you,” the customer said.

“Why not?” I asked.

“Your tie is so loud that it echoes.”

“Have you seen my socks?” I asked.

“Can you give me a better price for a bulk order?” He asked.

“A bulk order?” I replied – thinking of my bonus.

“We want 37 servers….”

“That’s not a bulk..”

“… in 7 countries.”

“And, Dan,” my colleague interjected, “all 37 are different models.”

“We want to lease the two in Indoesia.” Procurement was undaunted.

“No!” I thought. “It’s not a bulk order,” I replied. “Good Grief!” I thought. “There is an endless supply of procurement staff; I'm surrounded.”

Luckily, I had time to spend seeing a bit of Singapore.

Democracy and Rules

In Singapore, the topic of China and its economic progress arose.

“They were smart in China, Dan. They began with economic reform – leaving the politics for later.”

“Well…”

“And they’ve made tremendous progress.”

“I’ve heard that little has changed in the countryside.”

“But 300,000,000 people in the cities have improved lives.”

“Yes, but that leaves 800,000,000 behind. They have no voice. They can’t even vote.”

“Look at India, Dan. The infrastructure is a mess. Do you know why?”

“Why?”

“If they want to build a road, they have to remove the squatters.”

“So?”

“All those squatters are voters. Democracy is fine – once things are working.”

“Democracy is..”

“The Americans always push democratic government, Dan – unless the wrong group wins the election. Like Palestine.”

“Palestine?”

“And Google is stupid.

“This conversation is flowing like a pinball dropping down a pachinko machine,” I thought.

“Google is making it possible for China to create a competitor.”

“This jellyfish is very good,” I replied as I fumbled with my chopsticks.

Singapore is a city of rules – the photo describes the rules of use for an escalator.

How High?

Hong Kong is crowded, messy and exciting. Singapore, on the other hand, is clean, new and shiny. Hong Kong is polluted. Singapore, except when they burn the fields in Indonesia, is clear and healthy. (It’s a rule: they have a lot of rules in Singapore.)

There are also differences between the USA and Singapore:

“How much do they pay your President, Dan?” David asked.

“I think it’s $400,000 a year.”

“We pay our leader s$2,000,000. And Singapore is just an island.”

“Our President also gets a house and a very big airplane.”

“You can’t get the best people if you don’t pay them well.”

“Are you sure, David? After all, HP has me.”

“The American approach means that your senators and congressman either need to be independently wealthy, or subservient to lobbyists.”

“Well – they could be simply civic-minded.”

Singapore, like Hong Kong, features a plethora of interconnected shopping malls. Because the malls feature the standard western brands, I simply wasn’t impressed. I checked the guidebook in the hotel for other local adventures. I decided to forgo the night safari in the 40 hectare nature reserve and the shopping tour of the major malls.

I went to the Singapore Flyer – the world’s largest Ferris Wheel. It’s 165 meters in diameter. The photo above clearly demonstrates the height: you can see the curvature of the Earth. (Or, it could be the curvature of the capsule glass that creates the illusion.)

The Airbus 380

“I’m flying on the A-380, the super-Jumbo,” I explained to David.

“Once you’re inside, it’s just another airplane, Dan.” David replied – perceptibly.

In Hong Kong, I took a taxi to the downtown air terminal and checked in for my flight.

“It’s a full flight,” the clerk informed me.

“All 471 seats?” I asked.

“Yes. But I can give you an aisle seat on the upper deck...”

“That sounds good.”

“… but its quite far in the back.”

“Doesn’t matter,” I replied. “I don’t like middle seats.”

“Here you are – seat 82G.”

“Very far back,” I thought.

The train to the airport was quick and smooth. I was disappointed that the airport factory outlet for Shanghi Tan items had closed. The airport “Duty Free” area was, predictably, vast – which was a bit funny since Hong Kong is a duty free city. (The shops guaranteed the same prices as the city proper.)

I looked at the airplane when I got to the gate. The photo (above) shows a sleek aircraft. On the ground, it looks, well, awkward. My seat was at the very back of the top deck; I had to walk by the sumptuous business class seats (the first class suites were blocked from view).

“Not a whole lot of overhead compartment room,” I thought.

Taxi to take-off position was bumpy.

“A lot of bounce in the back of the airplane,” I thought.

The flight was equally bouncy.

“Perhaps it’s just bad weather,” I thought.

The inflight magazine indicated that the Airbus 380 will begin flying to Zürich in a few weeks. (It also said that the currency in Zürich is the €uro which would be a surprise to the Swiss.)

The Singapore Airlines service was, as usual, impeccable and the landing was very smooth. The baggage claim belt was the l o n g e s t I’ve ever seen in my life.

“The next time I fly this airplane,” I thought. “I’ll use frequent flyer miles, fly with Nazy and book a suite.”

Hong Kong Changes

Some of my preconceived ideas about Hong Kong (based on several visits) were shattered on this visit.

Some, but not all. The sky and atmosphere remained cloudy reducing visability while making it mostly impossible to completely enjoy the city skyline. (Tops of the skyscrapers were hidden in the clouds.) There was, however, one day clear of fog and, surprisingly, the city was not enveloped in the traditional pollution. There were other surprises:

I thought back to my departure:

“Don’t forget your overcoat,” Nazy proclaimed.

“I’m going to Hong Kong and Singapore,” I replied. “An overcoat will be a burden.”

“It’s snowing in Zürich, Dan. And that’s where you are now.”

“I’ll just dash into the taxi. Don’t worry, I don’t need an overcoat.”

In fact, I had also secretly removed the sweaters from my luggage.

Predictably, it was cold in Hong Kong: temperatures actually hit the freezing mark at The Peak on Tuesday. I mentioned this to Nazy and her result was equally predictable.

“I told you so.”

In the 20 years that I’ve been visiting Hong Kong, the city has become, well, “more Chinese”. There are far more signs in Chinese and I found a few taxi drivers who didn’t speak English. One of my colleagues from Hong Kong agreed with my observation.

“That’s true. Years ago, everyone wanted to go to America. Now we are proud to be Chinese.”
Luckily, some American icons remain – see photo from Mainland China.

Mainland China

My trip to SAR (Special Administrative Region) Hong Kong was booked. David, our representative in Asia-Pacific suggested that I get a visa for China.

“I don’t need a visa for Hong Kong,” I explained.

“We may have time to take the train to China..”

“Non-Special Administrative Region (NSAR)?” I thought.

“.. and I you will need a visa.”

“Right.” I replied.

There is a China Consulate in Zürich and the visa process is very easy and, notably, very quick and efficient. In fact, it took far longer for me to get new pages put in my US passport at the American embassy than it took to get a visa to China.

Aside: Nazy recently had to visit the Iranian Embassy in Bern and, like my visit to the Chinese consulate, it was very easy to gain entrance and file the appropriate forms. On the other hand, the Chinese efficiently provided the requested visa. Three months later, although she quickly filed the forms, Nazy is still waiting for a response from Iran.

Yesterday, David and I took the Metro from Hong Kong island to Kowloon and then took a train to mainland China. We walked across a (covered) bridge over the river that marks the border into a shopping mall. We walked through the mall and jumped on the subway into the city center, arriving in a shopping mall. We walked through the city center which is, eh, a shopping mall. We asked about ‘the sights’ and were directed to a shopping mall.

“Perhaps we should do some shopping,” David said.

“We’re surrounded by fake western brands,” I replied. “How would we recognize quality?”

“You’re right, Dan. There are good quality fakes and bad quality fakes. But..”

“But?”

“If you want good quality items, you should buy mainland China brands. Those are controlled and counterfeit items are not allowed.”

“They can’t control counterfeiting of western brands, but they can control counterfeits of Chinese bands?”

“Precisely.”

Unfortunately, I didn’t recognize any of the Chinese brands.

It's only a car

“See,” Nazy told Jessica as she maneuvered our new car into the tight garage, “we have Park Distance Control. It’s impossible to..”

She was interrupted by a crunch. (Park distance control has sensors at the front and rear, not on the sides.)

Distraught, Nazy called me.

“It’s only a car, Nazy.” I replied. “It can be fixed.”

I hadn’t always been so calm about cars. The very first time Melika got behind the wheel of VAN-GO, our prized Chameleon (purple in the sun, pink in rain) colored Windstar, she attempted to drive 200 meters up the driveway in Hanover. At the 190 meter mark, Melika mixed up the gas and brake pedals. She slammed VAN-GO into the stone wall next to the garage.

As the car bounced back, Darius dove out and ran for cover. Melika, foot firmly on the accelerator rammed the wall again – and again. I can’t say that I calm when Nazy called me in Boston with the news.

In fact, each of the kids had some car problems. Mitra, who grew up in The Netherlands never learned to drive as a teenager. She went to Princeton and then took a job in New York. After several years she moved to Los Angeles where she actually lived without a car for an entire year. When she finally surrendered, Darius offered to help her learn to drive. I remember asking him how it was going.

“Well, Dad,” Darius said. “Mitra doesn’t do some things that most people do when they’re driving.”

“Really?” I asked. “Like what?”

“Like looking out through the front windshield.”

Darius, on the other hand, thought that taking a car into the shop for service was ‘pointless’. He actually put 60,000 miles on the car without ever changing the oil. The point became clear when the engine seized.

Naturally, I’ve never had any car problems. Almost. There was an event on an icy road in Vermont with a Datsun 280Z, an 18 wheeler and a Land Rover.

Nazy wants readers to know that her parking foible did not take place recently.

The Hong Kong Trip

“Think positive, Dan. I’m sure you’ll be able to upgrade at the airport.” As always, Nazy was optimistic about my chances to move to business class.

And, also as usual, Swiss International Airlines was less accommodating.

“Business class,” the clerk announced, “is oversold. We’re looking for a business class passenger willing to fly tomorrow in exchange for 2500 Francs.”

“Hmm,” I thought. “An upgrade looks unlikely.”

In fact, the flight to Hong Kong was completely sold out. However, as a seasoned traveler, I am able to fall asleep instantly – even in a cramped and uncomfortable Airbus 340. Demonstrating this ability, after adjusting my noise-canceling earphones, I fell asleep before the airplane left the gate. I woke up later with a cramp in my neck, a crick in my back and general feeling of weariness.

“Well,” I thought. “I hope that we’re somewhere over India.”

In fact, we were at the de-icing station.

“This may be more difficult that I had hoped,” I thought – accurately.

We eventually took off and getting to (back to) sleep proved more tricky that I had hoped. The flight droned on (and on and on). In contrast, my inflight entertainment system, with 22 different movies, a zillion television programs, games and audio was broken. I could only watch the camera view – which showed 12 hours of clouds. As scheduled, we arrived, in the rain, 12 hours later. (I had a good view of our landing.)

I called Nazy to report a safe arrival.

“You have all the fun,” Nazy announced. “You get to go to Hong Kong.”

The Pony Express

Surely you don’t actually have a customer that is looking for a Pony Express message delivery.

Stop calling me Shirley.

Do you have a customer that is looking for a Pony Express-based message delivery service?

No – that was poetic license.

But it didn’t rhyme.
Do you have a dime?
I ask the questions here.
Want a beer, my dear?

Where did you get your poetic license?
I live in Switzerland, so it wasn’t easy – lots of forms and fees. I wanted to specialize in limericks, but the Swiss couldn’t grasp the concept.

What was your point in the Pony Express blog posting?

Customers often get so interested in the technical details that they miss the big picture. In short, people like to talk about things they understand. Change is difficult and challenging. Many customers, especially those in the financial services arena, are absolutely convinced that they are brilliant and error-free. The fact that they misplaced several hundred billion dollars, almost cratered the global economy and produce almost nothing of value does not alter this view.

The marble boat is an example of an out-of-date technical solution. (But it looks good.)

The Ambulance

May 2007

Someone born in 1986 with the identifier D. Martin takes an ambulance to a Santa Barbara hospital. He skips out without paying for the ride.

Dan Martin (your author), born 1946 is spending the week in London.

Nazy and Melika Martin are in San Francisco planning to drive to Santa Barbara for Melika’s summer associate work at ‘The Firm’.

Darius Martin, born in 1981, is ‘enjoying’ Iceland.

Mitra Martin is dancing in Los Angeles.

May 2009

The Bank of America sends me a note reducing the line of credit on my Visa card because of “a report of delinquency on a different account”. I immediately call to get more details and I’m directed to a collection agency. My interaction with them is mistake-filled:

“What bill are you talking about?” I asked.

“Just answer a few questions and I’m sure we can clear this up. What is your social security number and full name?”

Answering was, of course, a mistake. The credit agency appended this information to the history file – making it difficult to clear things up.

In the end – and it took a long time – the company admitted that they had made a mistake. The Bank of America apologized. My credit report was corrected. And..

February 2010

They’re back! A new collection agency has sent a nasty letter wanting to be paid for an ambulance ride by Daniel Martin (with my Social Security Number) in Santa Barbara during May of 2007. I explained the situation, noting that although I am much older than the purported patient, I’m not so old that I would have forgotten going to the hospital. The agency is understanding. “There is nothing you can do.”

“Can I speak with the Ambulance company?”

“You could, but they’ve sold this invoice to us and won’t have any information.”

“The police?”“I don’t see how they can help.”

The photo is a sunset - sort of like the sun is setting on my good credit history.

INKing the Deal

The customer asked for a ‘first class’ visit.

“First Class?” I thought. “That seems like a very dated expression. For example, I haven’t flown ‘First Class’ for many years.”

The customer wanted corporate gifts – pens and leather portfolios. Since a closure on a big deal was in the cards, we wanted to oblige. Naturally, following corporate procedure (and process) was mandatory. This meant that we couldn’t simply find a supplier and purchase the gifts. We had to acquire the items from the corporate gift center.

My assistant, an expert in the process, was annoyed to discover that:

“They are out of stock on the best stuff, Dan.”

“If we can’t get best, I’ll settle for better.”

“Unavailable.”

“How about ‘good’?”

“We might be able to get ‘not embarrassing’. Will that do?”

It would have – had we been able to deliver. The gift center process provides just in time (JIT) delivery. (Since many meetings are ultimately cancelled, the JIT approach means that ‘not embarrassing’ gifts are only dispatched when a meeting is firmly confirmed.) Astonishingly, our JIT Cross Pens arrived, well, Just In Time.

The customer discovered that the pens were JNI: Just No Ink. Refills, i.e. the part of the pen that contains the ink, were back ordered. In short – we gave gifts that didn’t work. It’s sort of like delivering servers without memory. (Oops! Been there. Done that.)

The customer was not amused. My assistant was not amused. And, today, 2 weeks after the workshop, the refills arrived – in an ink stained box. In the name of 'operational efficiency' we purchased generic refills.

“See,” I explained to the customer. “It would have been much worse if we had presented the total package. You’d have an ink-stained shirt.”

The photo is of Mt. Fuji in Japan. Ink is not permitted to leak in Japan.

Tsunami: The Tidal Ripple

CNN was in crisis mode. The devastating earthquake in Chile had spawned a Tsunami warning along the California (and Alaska) coast, across the Pacific Ocean. ‘Backstory’, was replaced by CNN America. The focus was on Hilo.

“The Tsunami, moving across the Pacific at 500 mph, is scheduled to hit Hilo at 11:04,” the newsreader reported.

The television showed a remarkably calm body of water with..

“There’s someone swimming.! Get him out of there.!” The newscaster, appalled, remarked.

As the camera panned across the bay, we could see helicopters hovering, Breathless reporters reported..

“Nothing is happening. Scientists note that predictions can be ‘off’ by as much as an hour. It will begin as the sea pulls away from the shoreline…”

Nothing happened for almost an hour. Then:

“We’re seeing some discoloration in the water.”

“Hmm,” I thought.

Eventually, the water level in the bay rose by 3 inches. It was a tidal ripple.

[Aside: Swimming my laps this morning, I discovered that Tsunami’s can occur in swimming pools. When a gargantuan ‘swimmer’ entered the pool, the water level rose by about 3 inches. And, later, I was able to detect some discoloration…]

While it is important to be safe rather than sorry, warnings about things that don’t happen (the Hawaiian Tsunami) while missing things that did happen (the Chilean Earthquake) does not engender popular confidence in scientists. Along those lines, how many of my dedicated readers got a swine flu shot?

The photo is from Hawaii – taken about 10 years ago.